It finally happened as expected. I had a heart attack 2 weeks ago. For long time I can not care of myself enough. Often I have sleepness nights, intensive stress. I needed alcohol to sleep. I dont only feel so upset and sadden to loose my wife and daughter but even worse, I accuse mostly myself about this. If she betrayed me, it would be easier. I would just swear her and forget. It is the most difficult to fight with yourself. First time in my life I feel myself so hopeless, desperate redundant and miserable. Unlike ever before this time the thing I lost was my most important this time. It is total desperation like death NEvertheless a guy came from thousands of miles and got my lost. While I am ready to cost my life for. It is like to take my life. It is a feeling like a raptor has removed you liver and eating it while you are still alive.
Actually my problem and stress started before our break up. 1,5 years before she left me she started to being changed. I could feel she did not love me no more. She even was looking at me differently. Started to speak with me much less, gave me her time much less. She was engaged with internet for many hours till midnight, making tilda dolls instead. Our sharing and communication had reduced. She started to use social media like Facebook and her blog and started to communicate with some strangers. I remember there were some men she said she was in contact for a kind of free lance business.
Much before she left me, I had an angiography with cardiological doubts. My wife never looked sad or worried. She rather was sad to have to be captured in the hospital with me for several hours. And then months later I had a laparoschopic kidney operation with the doubts of cancer according to doctors. Something went wrong during the operation with my lungs and I could not breath in post operative period. So much, they had to connect me to oxygen. My face was dead white, my mom and my aunts were in panic but my wife certainly did not look like a worried loving wife. Rather she was angry to me for my request from her to be companion to me in the hospital with our daughter. My wife was so keen to go to home to be able to meet with my step daughter or someone else in Skype. NEvertheless at 3. th day she could go to home leaving me to my aunt in the hospital.
I dont say these to blame or criticize her. I believe love is over appreciation and adoration. So I was not good enough to make her to love me. A real and strong love can overcome every problems. It can protect the affair against all challanges. And there is one more evidence confirms my theory is the fact I still love her and dont want anybody else and she is so good.
So I was aware she did not love me much before my offending letter to her mom and my attempt to send my step daughter to her grandparents to live in Russia. My these last minute acts were just a ostensibly reason for my wife. It has upset me very much. My poor heart was even too strong to be able to endure for so long time since 2010.
Actually my problem and stress started before our break up. 1,5 years before she left me she started to being changed. I could feel she did not love me no more. She even was looking at me differently. Started to speak with me much less, gave me her time much less. She was engaged with internet for many hours till midnight, making tilda dolls instead. Our sharing and communication had reduced. She started to use social media like Facebook and her blog and started to communicate with some strangers. I remember there were some men she said she was in contact for a kind of free lance business.
Much before she left me, I had an angiography with cardiological doubts. My wife never looked sad or worried. She rather was sad to have to be captured in the hospital with me for several hours. And then months later I had a laparoschopic kidney operation with the doubts of cancer according to doctors. Something went wrong during the operation with my lungs and I could not breath in post operative period. So much, they had to connect me to oxygen. My face was dead white, my mom and my aunts were in panic but my wife certainly did not look like a worried loving wife. Rather she was angry to me for my request from her to be companion to me in the hospital with our daughter. My wife was so keen to go to home to be able to meet with my step daughter or someone else in Skype. NEvertheless at 3. th day she could go to home leaving me to my aunt in the hospital.
I dont say these to blame or criticize her. I believe love is over appreciation and adoration. So I was not good enough to make her to love me. A real and strong love can overcome every problems. It can protect the affair against all challanges. And there is one more evidence confirms my theory is the fact I still love her and dont want anybody else and she is so good.
So I was aware she did not love me much before my offending letter to her mom and my attempt to send my step daughter to her grandparents to live in Russia. My these last minute acts were just a ostensibly reason for my wife. It has upset me very much. My poor heart was even too strong to be able to endure for so long time since 2010.
