Nowadays I try ot convince myself it is better to lose both of my beloveds than to lose one. Not to do something may bother my wife. Rather just because of to be able to continue to love my wife. I must make a terrible decision, I haved to harm a beloved or me, it must be harmful for one of us at least as our benefits contradict at the moment. AFter now there is not a "common good" for us. In any case to be able to do something good to one of beloved persons I have to give up the others and do something bad and harmful. It is the most terrible situation one may face to have to choose a victim, beloved or himself.
My wife left me and turned back to Russia with kids in August 2011. Initially she promised to visit her grandmother and turn back because she did not obtain my permission for our daughter to bring to Russia. But she has never accepted to turn back. After short time she declared she never loved me now, she broke up with me and never wanted me in her life no more. She said she never considered us as husband and wife no more. However as she is a perfect person and she is very kind, she always treated me well, polite understanding and kind. She did not attempt to divorce during 3 years till now. She announced she applied to the court for divorce recently. It was a great love ours, we were a really very good couple and loved each other very much. I still love her very much. Our only problem, I had problems with my step daughter. My wife had a daughter from her first marriage and she was 9 then and 15 now. I never considered her as a problem and married with my wife as I frankly wanted and drem she would be my daughter. My step daughter has a difficult character as well as me and it started challenges, problems and conflicts soon. She had been without father and with very few his love and attention since her 4 years old. She is a leo requires a kingdom to decree and she had always had such conditions as her mom feels responsibility in her bad fate. I was not mature and experienced enough to manage the circumstance. An endless struggle and competition started and it leaded problems with my wife. I commented her acts as attempts to manage the family and tried not to give permission. Now I feel regret for most of my acts very much. Nothing deserved to lose my wonderful wife, my happy marriage and my lovely small daughter. Moreover I realise that in most cases I was not right and I did injustices to my step daughter as she did minor mistakes which any girl in her age could do. Poor my wife had to pay the price and took the consequences once more by destroying her life and marriage. She is so unlucky as not to have a good life and destiny till now as the best person I have ever seen in my whole life.
So we have been seperated since 2011 but I had had hopes and dreams to move to Vladimir and to live at least in the same city might give me an opportunity to see my loveds much more often and even perhaps to be able to repair with my wife in time again. My wonderful wife even helped me about it and we tried but I again could not use that chance and made many mistakes and unwanted behaviours lead her to refuse my existance.
Recently my wife announced she started a love affair with an English man and plans to move to England perhaps. I still want to live in Vladimir. My loved city as to be of my wife. I dont want any other woman in my life and I dont plan to be together with a new woman in a love affair or marriage. I want and plan to live alone in my loved Vladimir. To be able to live a dream of them as everything reminds me my beloved wife and daughter in that city. I want to live there and dream of them. The city is full of their memories. I have tried to solve the problem to arrange to earn money to survive.
But what will happen to me? It may risk even my life by my serious health problems. Should I violate my own rights and put my life in risk? Should I ignore my requirements and necessities? I had a heart attack last year. I have serious heart problems, prostate, asthma and a cyst in my wrist. The heart problem appeared one year ago. According to doctors it is highly connected with intensive stress I have lived in last years. Doctor explained it to me with an example. He said many people live such family problems in their lives as breaking ups or divorces but they draw a line to their lives and dont continue to suffer so long mostly. I did not live the worst one but it took long. He said "You can carry easily a glass of water but it may leave a serious damage in your arm if you try to hold it for 10 hours." Some hormones to be excreted in case of stress probably took role of my cardiac microvascular system to be blocked. Who will help me if I will get worse one night in Vladimir? Who will help me if I will be ill acutely while I will live alone in that city?
Even if I will not move to Vladimir but stay in Istanbul to be alone is still risky for me. I live with my 78 y.o. mom and 80 y.o. aunt how long more they can live? Will not I be able to do even my most basic and wanted need for now, to avoid from other women and live my love in my mind? I pity also to myself. I could not have a good life so much, I was quite unlucky. I am 45 and I have had 4 operations till now. I have had to live without my daughter since she was 1,5 y.o. and will it last life long? Will we suffer to miss each other for whole life with my daughter? I still my wife very much but what can I do to convince her. Unfortunately there is nothing to do for her now for me. But my daughter responds my love. She is all has remained to me at the moment. Should I give up also from my loved daughter? Poor her, when they will move to England she has to be without father life long. Be able to see her father only 2-3 times a year. Will my daughter live problems with her stepfather too? Or as not better, will she adopt and love him as her father but not me? She will be alone in England except from her mom and sister unlikely in Russia as she is with also grandparents and many relatives.
My wife asks for me not to hassle at divorce, she requests it to happen piecefully. She is so kind, cooperative, trustful, reliable and honest with a big goodwill. She is the best person in my life. I can never do anything bad to her. I should help her, I should support and assist her to be happy even with him as her choice. I should never be harmful to such a perfect person I love. She is the person I love most in the world along our daughter even now after overall. Ironically just because of this I never want her to divorce from me and go to that man and to live in England. It is disastrous jealousy for me to see them together even in the photos.
What do I do?
