Character examination.

It s the examination of my life. Forming some more improvements of my character. A test for to stay kind and patient. I will see if I am really as good as I have always thought. What are my abilities in fact.

It s an examination also for my faith. In my religion nothing else death is completely hopeless. Except death all the problems can be solved one day by the help of Allah. I am testing my capability of accepting my destiny without rioting Allah. I must prove myself under such extreme conditions to you, to myself, to Allah to expect a miracle from. I dont try to claim everything happened were just destiny, inevitable and not my failure. My mistakes, failures triggered them all. But it does not remain any chance to repair, to correct them under the conditions we are in today. I dont have any opportunity to be saved, to be rescued today. This is the destiny.

 My everything, till now perhaps you thought I have been faithful, lovely, kind and regretful for all my mistakes just because of to be able to together with you and with my daughter. To be able to convince you to turn back to me. Probably you hesitated to believe me. Under these new conditions in your life, all y hopes for a common life has become impossible now. After now while I know there is no way to live together, you can be sure I will do it just because of you, just because of I love you, just because of I feel so to do.

Did we loose again?

Did we loose once more?

 

To learn all our furnitures, all our belongings, everything we have will be wasted one more time, destroyed me today. Not only because of it means I lost even that very very small hope for you but also just to see us so desperate. Poor us what bad chance with us. They are already very limited. WE had always have economic difficulties, it has never been easy to but them again. WE struggle with life to have something and it comes and takes them in one moment. Is not it pity to us? To feel this drove me in a very depressive mood. Are we the weakest, worst, wrongest, poorest? I got very upset to be informed you would leave it and had to give up everything inside, that flat, that home was of my dreams. I had dreams. I was in a dream.

Will not we have them again?

You hate my country now. 1 or maximum 2 years ago you could spend good time there. We were happy. Even I know there were some places you loved. We had good memories.

It s pity to hear you hate my country. To see you started to hate not as your own and independent feelings nor decision.

It s pity you lost those lovely memories of us. We lost the chance to share the same feelings of our memories.

And it s pity we dont have a chance to have some more memories like them in Turkey no more.

Ladies worship the power.

Today is Ramazan bayrami in Moslim world. It s a religious celebration for the end of Ramadan. According to traditions, people congratulate each other and give presents to beloveds. I spoke with my wife on Skype. And learned that she found a new job in Moscow. As a privite teacher of a 9 years old girl. Girl's father is a billioner oligark. My wife saw his bodyguards with assault rifles in their mansion. Tell me please who of you would not worry about your beloved if she will spend her day in a probably mafia godfather's home with AK47 armed guards. Even if he is a very good and kind person, it s dangerous to be there because it means he has dangerous foes if he feels a necessity to be protected so good.

And it s not all the risk for my wife. Because of the prices are very very high to rent a flat in Moscow, she can not do it but she will rent a room of a flat with some strangers. It s quite usual in Moscow but my wife says she will bring it too forward by sharing the room with somebody. She says she will rent a room with one more person to share. Nobody knows how a person will be.

I suggested her to share the room with me in Moscow. She refused. And at least to rent her recent flat when she will leave. It belongs to her father. To find an opportunity at least to see my daughter often by being in the same city. Actually this idea also gives me a hope to be able to repair the relation with my wife by being permitted to keep in contact somehow. She refused my this suggestion too.

It was my bayram present today. And in addition to realize an important and painfull truth. She refuses my existance at the cost of taking such risks. It does not seem to me to trust strangers more than me under the conditions of the fact of I have never abuse, swear her, I have never said or done something bad to her though all our problems. Even I did not respond her when she beated me.

My lovely 2,5 years old daughter will be given to kindergarten daytime and to be with her granny at evenings an nights for weekdays. My wife can be with her only at weekends and even perhaps some weekends. Probably she will not be able to come from Moscow every weekend. So my small snow white will be has lost both parents and will be grown up by granny because of my wife's stubbornness. Actually she has a chance of to be with her parents.

I have waited this contact with my wife for a week. I had kept my optimism with a hope to convince her. I had good news for my wife that I received a new job offer from a Russian company and it means an ability to end my economic problems prevent me to live with my family in Russia.

The worst is that to face with such harsh things, destroys me and then when I am fell down my chance for my wife gets even less and less and it leads some more incidents. Reasons and results trigger each other. But one should be cool, strong and vain to influence a lady.

Poor my daugter.

I learned some bad news about my daughter last week. My wife informed me on Skype that my small, sweet, lovely daughter has some health problems. Since then it has disturb me very much. I have been sadden not only for my suffer of nonappearance of my beloveds but also my baby to have health problems.

It has been detected astigmatic with her eyes and the problem of flat foot with her feet. My wife said doctors told she has to wear special orthopedic shoes life long. CAn you imagine how is it bad and difficult for a lady. Ladies may have difficulties to make a decision even among normal standart shoes which they are in millions of models. My daughter I hope will be beautiful but will have very limited choices to choose and find a beautiful model of shoes for herself. You can not know how much I got upseet with these bad news about my wonderfull daughter. Even I can write about it just now. I wanted to postpone to think, write about it.

I even can not be there. Though not to do something but even not to be with her. To support all her difficulties when she needs me to be with her as a good father. Believe me they are muh more difficult some problems about your beloveds when you are far away. You feel desperation about illnesses much stronger.

Small bullets in my cheast.

I can not endure small hands of infants now. When I see an infant in a bus, in a shop, somewhere in public I get great upset at the sae time as I feel sympathy. All the infants remind me my daughter. I love my 2,5 y.o. daughter very much and it s too hard to be separated from her. She is so sweet, clever and kind. I love her all but particulary her small and cute hands, soft and tneder fingers touch me with. Like a butterfly on my skin. I everyday remember her fingers. Look like her mom's form. I remember I cleaned those small fingers to remove choclate.

Their faces all different but fingers are with minor differences. All small fingers remind me my daughter's and injure my heart like bullets.

I am more realistic.

My mom finally understood the situation today. Or she just decided to declare she is aware and talked about it first time.

She said I get upset for "impossible". Impossible to recover our marriage and I am sad for nothing. All I have to do is to accept and give up. To think about not past but future. But I can not take advice from a person has never been in love in her life. She says my wife is in comfort on holiday and even does not remember me. She even refuses to speak with me on Skype. She just ignores me. Yes it s probably so but it can not be expected something else from her under these conditions. And also I have enough knowledge to know my mom is not honest about my wife. She did not appraciate my wife even in our best days.

My mom says it my mistake not to be realistic. But I am...... There is a very small chance still. I have to use it. I will find a way to turn back to Russia and live there at least in the same city with my wife and daughter. And I will try to keep my hope she will love me again during our contacts.

Otherwise I will continue to blame myself forever if I give up now withotu using that chance.