You say you have been impossible for me.

It s like to touch a star.
So difficult, so important
They say impossible, who cares?
I will jump till I die of it
You were my sun lightened all my world
You went too far away look as a star from here
You still continue to guide me from there even now
Nothing was the same before you and nothing will be different
My journey to being better continues by your light
I dont want to loose my pole star to navigate
Though so far away your light is mine
Continues to reach at me and keeps me alive
But by less of your light I am much less
Since you go away I have to jump
To the altitude you are
To catch you and pull closer
Or to be hang up to your sharp corner from my jacket
To stay with you, to live there
Or for the best die if I can not catch on the route to you
I will continue to attempt to jump to you
I respect your bans but nobody can take over my dreams
I will jump and jump and jump
Not to achieve but to spend my life good
The hope will allow me to dream of you
And I will have died best, for an aim of you

Something new for me.

I realized that I started loved kids much more. Especially small ones. At the same age of mine. I started to interested in with them, care of them and worry about. BEfore I slightly ignored them. They did not take my attention so much, I even surprised of people loved kids so much.

I think I set a parallelism with my own. It occurs a link in my mind to my own daughter when I see a small kid. When something bad happens to a child I get upset very much.

On the other hand I unfortunately realize one more thing I feel with them. I envy when I see a kid with the parents. And then I am ashamed about it. It s very unusual and strange for me by my strong self confidence till now.

I get upset very much me and my lovely daughter dont have an opportunity the amazing pleasant moments. The worst truth is it is not reversible. Its time will never come back for us.

Buyukcekmece view from Tuyap.

You love Buyukcekmece.

Letters 4.

I never wish you to be injured in an accident even to turn back to me.

...... it seems to me your main obstacle about me is the lack of trust and love. But these appear in time by sharing. According to your advice to me to find an other woman, you should advice it also to yourself. But as lover nominee or only as a friend you give opportunity to everybody to access you, to share something, to spend time to get your trust and love day by day but I am behind the wall. Only I dont have such a chance and it s not fair. It s like to close somebody's mouth and to critize him of not to be able to sing.

I dont accuse you, it s normal and natural. You are fragile and afraid of to live nightmares again. You are frightened. But ...... people can be changed. Perhaps only because of this the God does not decide about us with the first sin, gives us many chances and waits. Everybody has sins but still has hope to go to the heaven. You may be forgiven even after many sins. I remember you refused to be together with me before the marriage according to your religious facts. You told me it has been banned by Christ himself sexual activity without marriage. But ...... he supported to be given one more chance to everybody even to bad people like whores.

Letters 3

I just can not understand that contradiction, you did not loose your memory, bad memories to start with me again. But you could loose your memory about all good memories with me. 2 years ago you said you had had very good moments with me and good memories. It s possible to loose good memories in time by some events but if something good will happen they can not delete bad ones, they can not lead you to feel good for me again. Is it uniteral for you events and memories to make your feelings, only bad ones are effective? If something bad happens it can delete all good memories but bad memories are permanent and they can not be deleted. Drivers continue to use their cars after a traffic accident. Repairing is possible even for machines but do you say only bad things are important for you? Why do you consider only bad things to take account? Can not you see nobody is good or bad permanent and fundamentally. We all can do something good or bad under specific conditions. It s variable depends on the conditions. You are the kindest person I have ever seen. (I still say it) But you did the most terrible things to me I have ever lived in my life. And you can do it also to small daughter so harsh by leaving her without father. You know she loves me and you can find easily scientific researches prove the risk and negative effects of the lack of her father. I just know what was the problem and what appeared the problems for us. I understood what was the mistake, what was the reason for those terrible days. And now I know what to do to avoid. Plus conditions have changed also at your daughter's side to have conflicts with me no more. That s why I am optimistic about a future.

Furthermore we discussed and decided to live together in Stroitelei, even you asked me what was my choice about the bed I would use. It was already after all those bad memories you meant. Did not you behave honest and tell the truth about your real plan then. Did you already decided from the first day to cease to live together in that flat in several weeks and send me away? Or are these only a pretexts? Do you have plan about somebody else? Did you find and choose an other man?

I dont have a celestial power to make miracles but I just still aim and dream about you but nobody else.

 

I congratulate your birthday.

I dont forget it.