Heart breaking, but in the most real form, not in the figurative sense.

It finally happened as expected. I had a heart attack 2 weeks ago. For long time I can not care of myself enough. Often I have sleepness nights, intensive stress. I needed alcohol to sleep. I dont only feel so upset and sadden to loose my wife and daughter but even worse, I accuse mostly myself about this. If she betrayed me, it would be easier. I would just swear her and forget. It is the most difficult to fight with yourself. First time in my life I feel myself so hopeless, desperate redundant and miserable. Unlike ever before this time the thing I lost was my most important this time. It is total desperation like death NEvertheless a guy came from thousands of miles and got my lost. While I am ready to cost my life for. It is like to take my life. It is a feeling like a raptor has removed you liver and eating it while you are still alive.

Actually my problem and stress started before our break up. 1,5 years before she left me she started to being changed. I could feel she did not love me no more. She even was looking at me differently. Started to speak with me much less, gave me her time much less. She was engaged with internet for many hours till midnight, making tilda dolls instead. Our sharing and communication had reduced. She started to use social media like Facebook and her blog and started to communicate with some strangers. I remember there were some men she said she was in contact for a kind of free lance business.

Much before she left me, I had an angiography with cardiological doubts. My wife never looked sad or worried. She rather was sad to have to be captured in the hospital with me for several hours. And then months later I had a laparoschopic kidney operation with the doubts of cancer according to doctors. Something went wrong during the operation with my lungs and I could not breath in post operative period. So much, they had to connect me to oxygen. My face was dead white, my mom and my aunts were in panic but my wife certainly did not look like a worried loving wife. Rather she was angry to me for my request from her to be companion to me in the hospital with our daughter. My wife was so keen to go to home to be able to meet with my step daughter or someone else in Skype. NEvertheless at 3. th day she could go to home leaving me to my aunt in the hospital.

I dont say these to blame or criticize her. I believe love is over appreciation and adoration. So I was not good enough to make her to love me. A real and strong love can overcome every problems. It can protect the affair against all challanges. And there is one more evidence confirms my theory is the fact I still love her and dont want anybody else and she is so good.

So I was aware she did not love me much before my offending letter to her mom and my attempt to send my step daughter to her grandparents to live in Russia. My these last minute acts were just a ostensibly reason for my wife. It has upset me very much. My poor heart was even too strong to be able to endure for so long time since 2010.

Deadlock

I can not be with the woman I can be happy with.

I can not be happy with a woman I can be with.



This is the formula guarantees infinitive unhappiness.

This is why only a few weeks ago I was considering commiting suicide seriously.

From my wife's blog.

В таинственном лесу большие звери бродят.В таинственном лесу, где запахи весны,
Друзья меня порой по вечерам находят -
Сижу там на пеньке в компании сосны.

В таинственном лесу мне снова девятнадцать.
В таинственном лесу мне весело дышать.
Всё ясно и легко, не надо объясняться
Ни с кем, и никого не надо долго ждать.

Не надо долго ждать звонка у телефона.
В таинственном лесу теорий сложных нет
О том, кого люблю. И нет ночей бессонных.
Я счастлива. Глупа.

. ..Мне девятнадцать лет.

In the mysterious wood big animals wander.
 In the mysterious wood, where smells of spring,
 Friends sometimes find me in the evenings -
 I sit there on hemp in the pine company.
In the mysterious wood to me again nineteen.
 In the mysterious wood to me cheerfully to breathe.
 Everything is clear and easy, it isn't necessary to speak
 With anybody, and it is necessary to wait for nobody long.
It isn't necessary to wait long for a call at phone.
 In the mysterious wood of theories difficult isn't present
 About the one whom I love. Also there are no nights sleepless.
 I am happy. It is silly.
. . I am nineteen years old.


AS YOU CAN GUESS IT S NOT WRITTEN TO ME.

We celebrated so once upon times.

Do you remember that Italian restourant?

 

 

 



Evening at home.

I know you dont, but I celebrate our marriage anniversary.

Please dont consider I am not normal due to it. Even Russian literature is full of examples of loving husbands unilaterally. Men love their wifes without a responce. ... day by day I discover more and more my mistakes, things I made wrong to you. I constantly re consider again and again everything we lived. I find more and more things to regret for. And they prove me your worth to be even more than I could understand. It makes me appreciate you even more. And even for your negative responce to me today I can not blame you. I am like fool found a treasure but through it back to the sea.

Do you blame me not to love you enough to appreciate in our good days or to continue to love you still?

Forgive me.

Poor my wonderfull daughter. You are unlucky as much as me. You are unlucky to be my daughter. I had to wait for years by dreaming a happy family. When I got merry with your mom and then when you were born, I thought it was the prize of my patience. You are a perfect dauhgter and I love you very much.

But unfortunatelly I had a great role in your bad fate inadvertently. I was one of main factors caused you to face with such a terrible situation. Lack of father especially when you need most as so small 3,5 years old.

My lovely, I appologize you millions of times for this.

You are a wonderfull girl for any father to love but I have one more reason to love you. You are the only thing left to me belongs to your mom. The last peice of her has remained to me.

Forgive me my sweet lovely daughter, I can not be with you, protect you, help you when you need. Your mom lost her love to me, started to hate me just because of she felt I was not glad with her daughter's caprices. I never beat her even one time, even did not berate. But it was enough for your mom to cease to love me just because she felt I did not like her daughter's behaivours. Your mom berated her when it s necessary but she prohibited me. She requested me to love her daughter, to smile, to pamper in any case. she did not love me last year of our marriage before she left me. But I can not do anything to protect you. Your mom sometimes berates you, perhaps beats you when she needs. Your senior sister often berates you and even one time during a Skype session I saw she beat your head. Many times I saw scars in diffirent places of your body. You say your senior sister's cat scrabbles you. It s free to do anything to my daughter for everybody. It makes my heart bleeding.

Do you need low temparatures to feel cold?

It s not new I lost you both. It may be expected me to be used to in time. I should start to forget, at least accept the reality. The suffer should be less and easier. I know why it s not so with me. Because I have had hopes and plans till now. I have had solution options for possible problems stopping me to achieve you. Finally I consumed them all. First time they have been attemped and finished. To think I will live without you makes me feel like I will live the rest of my life in a prisson with life long penalty. A life I never want. In a meaning I broke up with you just now since I lost even the hope. You know it s the last element left in Pandora's box and to realize an empty box leads a panic.

My darling you consider it s not a normal behaviour to persist on you so much. You believe my these desperat love letters prove me to be psychologically ill. You consider any normal person does not write these post. I give you guarranty any loved man feels the same but my only difference is to write my feelings due to my open character, sincerity and frankness. I want to share with you by this way due to my principal of to be honest and open to you and I just dont try to hide from people due to my advanced self confidence.

Everybody has good and bad periods in life. I know how to effort and wait with patient. By my faith and self confidence, I am usually problem resistant and can be afloat strongly. If I can not achive something, I just settle for less and smaller. But first time now, when I loose my hope for the most important one I feel so hopeless, useless and unnecessary. Unusual for my well self confidence sometimes I feel myself very frightened and weak. I tremble sometimes. Even in -30 in last winter in Russia I did not feel so cold.

My St. Valentine's day.

.

My favorite Venice carnival is the sign of my sorrow and lonelelyness now.

You are in Venice carnival.
HAve you liked it? As much as you liked Yalikavak in Bodrum?
What are you doing there? Daytime and nighttime.
I try to imagine.
You dont like to drink and nightlife.
How might you spend time alone abroad in a country you have never been before, you can not speak its language.
Is not it boring?
How are you entertained?
With whome?
Do you feel lonely as alone?
It might be fantastic for me to go there together.
Italy has been my favourite.
I would want to experience such a romantic opportunity with you.
Do you feel romance in such an extreme conditions?
You are in Venice now, carnival time.
How do you spend time?
What are you doing?
How did you go?
I dont know.
 

I think I missed you both.

2 nights ago I saw you in my dream. We recovered our affair. We were as lovers again.

And the next night I saw my daughter.

Your song about birds.

You say you have been impossible for me.

It s like to touch a star.
So difficult, so important
They say impossible, who cares?
I will jump till I die of it
You were my sun lightened all my world
You went too far away look as a star from here
You still continue to guide me from there even now
Nothing was the same before you and nothing will be different
My journey to being better continues by your light
I dont want to loose my pole star to navigate
Though so far away your light is mine
Continues to reach at me and keeps me alive
But by less of your light I am much less
Since you go away I have to jump
To the altitude you are
To catch you and pull closer
Or to be hang up to your sharp corner from my jacket
To stay with you, to live there
Or for the best die if I can not catch on the route to you
I will continue to attempt to jump to you
I respect your bans but nobody can take over my dreams
I will jump and jump and jump
Not to achieve but to spend my life good
The hope will allow me to dream of you
And I will have died best, for an aim of you

Something new for me.

I realized that I started loved kids much more. Especially small ones. At the same age of mine. I started to interested in with them, care of them and worry about. BEfore I slightly ignored them. They did not take my attention so much, I even surprised of people loved kids so much.

I think I set a parallelism with my own. It occurs a link in my mind to my own daughter when I see a small kid. When something bad happens to a child I get upset very much.

On the other hand I unfortunately realize one more thing I feel with them. I envy when I see a kid with the parents. And then I am ashamed about it. It s very unusual and strange for me by my strong self confidence till now.

I get upset very much me and my lovely daughter dont have an opportunity the amazing pleasant moments. The worst truth is it is not reversible. Its time will never come back for us.

Buyukcekmece view from Tuyap.

You love Buyukcekmece.

Letters 4.

I never wish you to be injured in an accident even to turn back to me.

...... it seems to me your main obstacle about me is the lack of trust and love. But these appear in time by sharing. According to your advice to me to find an other woman, you should advice it also to yourself. But as lover nominee or only as a friend you give opportunity to everybody to access you, to share something, to spend time to get your trust and love day by day but I am behind the wall. Only I dont have such a chance and it s not fair. It s like to close somebody's mouth and to critize him of not to be able to sing.

I dont accuse you, it s normal and natural. You are fragile and afraid of to live nightmares again. You are frightened. But ...... people can be changed. Perhaps only because of this the God does not decide about us with the first sin, gives us many chances and waits. Everybody has sins but still has hope to go to the heaven. You may be forgiven even after many sins. I remember you refused to be together with me before the marriage according to your religious facts. You told me it has been banned by Christ himself sexual activity without marriage. But ...... he supported to be given one more chance to everybody even to bad people like whores.

Letters 3

I just can not understand that contradiction, you did not loose your memory, bad memories to start with me again. But you could loose your memory about all good memories with me. 2 years ago you said you had had very good moments with me and good memories. It s possible to loose good memories in time by some events but if something good will happen they can not delete bad ones, they can not lead you to feel good for me again. Is it uniteral for you events and memories to make your feelings, only bad ones are effective? If something bad happens it can delete all good memories but bad memories are permanent and they can not be deleted. Drivers continue to use their cars after a traffic accident. Repairing is possible even for machines but do you say only bad things are important for you? Why do you consider only bad things to take account? Can not you see nobody is good or bad permanent and fundamentally. We all can do something good or bad under specific conditions. It s variable depends on the conditions. You are the kindest person I have ever seen. (I still say it) But you did the most terrible things to me I have ever lived in my life. And you can do it also to small daughter so harsh by leaving her without father. You know she loves me and you can find easily scientific researches prove the risk and negative effects of the lack of her father. I just know what was the problem and what appeared the problems for us. I understood what was the mistake, what was the reason for those terrible days. And now I know what to do to avoid. Plus conditions have changed also at your daughter's side to have conflicts with me no more. That s why I am optimistic about a future.

Furthermore we discussed and decided to live together in Stroitelei, even you asked me what was my choice about the bed I would use. It was already after all those bad memories you meant. Did not you behave honest and tell the truth about your real plan then. Did you already decided from the first day to cease to live together in that flat in several weeks and send me away? Or are these only a pretexts? Do you have plan about somebody else? Did you find and choose an other man?

I dont have a celestial power to make miracles but I just still aim and dream about you but nobody else.

 

I congratulate your birthday.

I dont forget it.