Correspondance with a friend.

Smatri Oksana.

My wife with her darling. So lovely.

I feel so bad.

It started again chest pain.

I am surrendered. I lost and I am hopeless first time.

It is like to die. And it will cause me to die perhaps.

I love her so much but he stole from me. She says just because of he did not live a problem with her daughters yet.

He enjoys of her, to be together.

I need a drop of water he drinks her for glasses.

Let him fuck me instead, it would not be worse.

they look good together ...
and look happy ...
lovely couple, they complement each other.
should wish them happiness.
I read that love - this is when you want your loved one to be happy, no matter with whom, with you or with someone else ...
she chooses ...
I'm sorry, I know how it hurts you ...
but that's life ...

Оксана Александрова.

Oksana but what about my happiness. Should not I want and wish my own happiness. Do not I have a right to demand happiness. Why should I ignore my wishes and needs? I can never be happy without her. I love her like crazy. I miss her every moment. How can I be happy while lacking of her. When I burn in fire he enjoys of her.
I dont sadden because of my beloved is happy. I am upset he is not me she is happy with.

I should wish happiness to THEM?! Including him? Oksana if a burglar will steal your car for example, do you wish him a nice driving and joyful time to spend? It is impossible even with a belongings. We are created with an instinct to find and to get the best and most loved. To save it for ourselves. This is the main motivation of all our achievments of our centuries long civilization. To miss, to have, to be together, to see, to fight for our favorites.

I love her twice by you.

I am glad I still love you.

Otherwise I would not be able to love also my daguhter so much. In addition I love her very much as she is I love her also as a part of you. She is a piece of you. Her half is made of you and this fact makes me love her even more.

She is the unique piece of you not prohibitted to me.

She certainly deserves to be loved.

Fortunatelly she is your daughter.

Poor my step daughter.

This is a page of my step daughter's diary she logged when she lived in Istanbul.

She says she felt regret to come to Istanbul. Wants to turn back to Russia. She wrote ENOUGH! Only her mom and small sister loves and cares her. She says she does not love me.

I did not know she suffered so much. She had so much problems and felt so unpleasant. She did not look so. In my opinion she did not have reasons to be so unhappy since everything was in her service. I did never beat her, abused her, berated her. She did everything she needed and her necessities were never ignored as far as possible. It s certain she was much more prime than me and anybody else in the family. Does it mean everything was perfect for her and she did not have any dfficulties? No. She had a communication problem with almost everybody because of a langauge barrier. Her only freinds were one small girl named Leyla, her mom and her 1 y.o. sister as much she can do it. And these are not easy and basic problems. I am aware this within my level of consciousness today. But it was very pity to my wonderfull wife to be too late to understand something now. She was the victim of mitakes of all of us. She had to lose her marriage and family and happiness once more. I love her very much very very much but I was so harmfull to her with my stupidness. I learn now from my step daughter's diary she suffered of love and attention, friendship and communication. And I did not understand her and help her. She was unhappy with the feeling to be ignored and isolated meanwhile I was feeling to be a stranger and so lonely in my own family. I thought and felt that my wife and my step daughter were allies against me like a front. I considered my step daughter would not want to communicate with me and refuse freindship and sharing something. I thought she was just making caprice. I wish she preferred to speak with me, negotiate her problems instead of just  to hate me. I frankly wanted and tried to love her. I did not have any reason to prefer not to love my step daughter. Years ago when I saw my step daguhter for the first time, I had hopes to be a real father and daughter. I was too optimistic perhaps ignoring our charecter differences but it certainly deserved to tolerate and try to understand her. Why should I have preferred not to love her from the begining since I had plans to live together? What could it be any possible benefit with a hostility with the person the most beloved of my most beloved? It would be no sence to start a life with an aim to live with a girl I would not love.

I wish I tried to speka with her. I wish my step daughter listened me, try to understand me. I wish we could see points of views of each other and not have lived these pains not only to each other but most importantly the real victims, my wife and my small daughter. In her diary my step daughter says I did not care her. Though I have always loved her, I did not care also my wife enough.

Poor my wonderful lovely wife, though such a big pressure on her from her daughter she resisted to leave me, to break up till the last moment, till I forced her by my crazy suggestion to send her daughter to Russia to the grandparents. She tried to save our marriage and stuggle for our possible happy future with great sacrificing. Even under so unfavorable conditions.

Because of this I adore her still. I can never replace her with somebody. I can never love any other woman after a perfect one.

To study in university is important but a life without father?..........

My wife left me and turned back to Russia with my daughter and step daughter 3 years ago. But we did not divorce till now. She has said she did not have time to do it with many procedures of Russian bureaucracy. It is not too cogent to say not to have enough time in 3 years but it is clear she has not loved me. Me vice versa have always loved her including now. She is the person deserves to be loved most I have ever seen.

Recently she declared that she has started a love affair with an English man and she will divorce from me soon. She says she loves him and may get marry with him and move to England to live together with all the kids. My wife has 2 kids from her first husband and from me and her English lover has one daughter. My wife says she has not decide to move to England to live with him yet, perhaps she may go or perhaps not. She says she has doubts if my step daughter can study in England or not. She afraids it may be iddicult for her to study in an English universtiy with her insufficient command of English. Perhaps because of this reason she will give up to move to him.

So my wife creates her and her kids' destinies depends on her senior daughter's education life and her capabilities. I asked her if she loves that English man or not and she replied me as this was a ridiculous question. If she loves him can she give up from him for my step daughter's education potential? Is it more important? In this case why does not she prefer a Russian man who she can establish a demostic life and provides her daughter an university education without a language problem? And it is even more shocking, my wife considers more priority and pays more attention to her senior daughter's education than her whole life. If she can give up from her new beloved English guy for this reason it means she manages her love life and her own destiny depends on her daughter. I dont criticize. But she just is not aware the fact of it is much more important for her daughters not to have a father, or not to have their real fathers and to live with lack of it than not to study in an university. My wife sacrifices for wrong objective. She tries to save her daughter's education with the price of her own love life but she did not do it years ago when she divorced from her father. If she can form her future and personal life in order to her daughter's university education, she had to do it by not to divorce from her husbands to save her kid's souls from demages of missing a father. Moreover she creates her both daughter's destiny depends on the education capability of one of them. I believe it s bad for my daughter to move to England and live there but sure my wife may think different. If to live in England, to be there is good for my daughter will she devest her from this for her sister to be able to study in her native language? My wife left the fathers of her daughters two times before, my step daughter was 4 years old when she lost her father and my daughter was 1,5 years old. Anybody may search and find out scientific articles and studies on the topic how it is bad and harmful for such small girls to lost fathers. I wish my wife was sensitive to the fact of negative effects of to be without fathers for her daughter as much as she is to university. If my wife can give up her love and private life, if she can give up happiness with a man for even education, she could put up a unhappy marriage for her daughters' lives and happinesses together with loved fathers.

I still wonder if my wife loves that guy though she says it is a ridiculous question. The answer contains much meaning. If can she give up from him for her daughter's education? And above all if did she do it before with me? If was it the rea reason for her to braek up with me? My step daughter studied in high school but a correspondent one. My wife studied her and twice a year she passed exams in Russia. She would face this problem also in Turkey. She would have a language problem for university education if she stayed in Turkey. If my wife prefer me or her university? If I would be left what ever  I would do? If even if id not make that suggesition to my wife to sned her to Russia to live with the grandma and grandpa.

My wife and my step daughter constantly tried to teach Russian to my then 1 y.o. daughter. It seemed to me strange to be in such a hurry to taech Russian to a baby would live in Turkey.

If I would be victim and even my wife herself in any case like that English guy now?

To choose the best of "bads".

What a harsh decision I am faced.

To have to choose the best among all bad options.

It is just the matter of to whom to harm among the people most loved and most important for me.

It is the most terrible decision and I can not avoid no more.

For long time I could postpone and even I had had hopes to be able to avoid from this situation.

For first time my benefits, requirements and necessities, my beloved wife's and daughter's conflict with each other.

What ever I will do it will be very bad for one of us in any case.

My wife says she will divorce from me and moved to England to live with her new English darling. She wants to bring our common 4,5 years old daughter.

I have a perfect daughter. She is shortly wonderful and I am glad of her everything. She loves me very much. And I love her very much. I have an opportunity to take her back from my wife and receive all the parental rights. There is a chance for me to be together at least with my daughter since it is impossible for my wife. But it s bad and rsky for my wife. It may put my wife in danger. How can I risk her?...... How I am unlucky, I am desperate even when I have a solution.

On the other hand oor my daughter how can I ignore her and leave fatherless?

Is not it betray to my daughter?

And do I have to lose always? Is it my destiny to lose in any case? Should I give up one more thing I love very much? Should I violate myself? If I have a chance to be together at least with one of my most loved persons should I waste it?

Ah my darling, what did you do to us?!?!........

She reminds me my daughter a bit.

I can not believe even they are better than us.

Is it really so, we can not achieve something even animals can do?

Advice of a friend.

A friend who knows all my story sent me an interesting story. I have told her everyting I lived, all bad things about my wife and daughter. It seems to me she just wanted to give me a hidden message, advice not to try to move forward and effort to access her no more for my wife but set her free and leave to peace if I really love her.

Her English is not good. I copy her exact letter without any editing. Excuse for some possible mistakes.

parable about a wind and a flower.

 The wind met a fine Flower and fell in love with him. The wind gently caressed the Flower, and the Flower answered it with big love which was expressed in color and aroma.
But it seemed to the Wind a little, and it solved: "If I give to the Flower all the power and force, it will begin to give me much more". And the Wind began to blow on the Flower with a huge power of the love. But the Flower didn't take out rough passion and was broken.
The wind tried to lift it and to make live, but couldn't. Then it ceased and began to breathe on the Flower gentle breath of love as right at the beginning, but the Flower died in the eyes.
The Wind cried then:
- I gave you all power of the love, and you broke! It is visible, there was no power of love in you to me, so, you didn't love me!
But the Flower answered nothing. He died.
The one who loves, has to remember, what not by force and passion measure Lyubov, but tenderness and a reverent attitude. Better ten times to restrain, than once to break.

Оксана Александрова.