If it was mine.

I'd like to run away from you
But if I were to leave you I would die
I'd like to break the chains you put around me
And yet I'll never try

No matter what you do you drive me crazy
I'd rather be alone
But then I know my life would be so empty
As soon as you are gone

Impossible to live with you
But I could never live without you
For whatever you do / For whatever you do
I never, never, never
Want to be in love with anyone but you

You make me sad
You make me strong
You make me mad
You make me long for you / You make me long for you

You make me live
You make me die
You make me laugh
You make me cry for you / You make me cry for you

I hate you
Then I love you
Then I love you
Then I hate you
Then I love you, I Love You more
For whatever you do
I never, never, never
Want to be in love with anyone but you

You treat me wrong
You treat me right
You let me be
You make me fight with you / I could never live without you

You make me high
You bring me down
You set me free
You hold me bound to you

I hate you
Then I love you
Then I love you
Then I hate you
Then I love you more / I love you more
For whatever you do / For whatever you do
I never, never, never
Want to be in love with anyone but you

I never, never, never
I never, never, never
I never, never, never
Want to be in love with anyone but you
But you.

No it s not mine.

My wife be honest please if I wrote it, would you consider the words as one more evidence for your claim about me to be not normal?

But I did not write. It s a Celine Dion song. It may happen to somebody else too such exaggenarating explanations about over emotional explodings and I think people consider the author normal and even successful. You may like when it s done not by me.

Something in life is so easy to look like craziness if you want to see it so.

Lessons from animals.

Are we worse than animals? You see hunt and hunter in the photos playing piecefully. Can not we achieve something even animals can do? O.K. I can understand you dont love me but why should we have very bad relations?

Statistics.

63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes
(Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census)

90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes

85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes
(Source: Center for Disease Control)

80% of rapists come from fatherless homes
(Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26, 1978.)

71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes
(Source: National Principals Report on the State of High Schools .)

75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes
(Source: Rainbows for all God`s Children.)

85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home
(Source: Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections 1992)

These statistics translate to mean that children from a fatherless home are:

5 times more likely to commit suicide

32 times more likely to run away

20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders

Boys are 14 times more likely to commit rape

9 times more likely to drop out of high school

10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances

9 times more likely to end up in a state-operated institution

20 times more likely to end up in prison

http://divorceddadsurvivalguide.com/category/things-you-have-to-know

Totally hopeless.

Everything has been desperite, small, unpleasant and unsufficent.
All my favorite things.

Poor them.

Poor me.

What will satisfy me.

I feel myself very lonely, even alone. All people like to be non existed.

Zeytinli Köfte.

My mom prepared your favorite meal today.

Meatballs with olives.

Shortly.

Believe me I can not not do. I can not put up. I can not live.

I thought it would be the most difficult period at the begining to be apart from and then it would get easier day by day.

They are too heavy now.

Till short time ago, when I was a bit more optimistic, memories were helpful and pleasant. They helped to put up the breake up and to keep dreams for future. Like oxygen in underwater. I wished to remember them, to live in flashbacks as often as possible.

But now they have become painfull and to sharp like a knife. They just symbolize a lost and disappeared past and hopeless future. They show me even more and stronger what I lost. Something remind me my beloved made me happy, repaired my mood and gave me opportunity to imagine as like I had still been in those nice times. But now cold reality does not allow me even to imagine. They changed from oxygen to ghost I try to hide. With each of those wonderfull memories with her it becomes more and more difficult to consider I will just continue to miss her. The worst one, they started to have different meanings.

What did you do to me so cruel my everything?


By walking away.

Even the most wonderfull moments of us are too heavy to carry for me now.

The perfect formula for me.

How do you identify yourself now, as completely single and ready for a new man or in an interapted marriage? What is your concept for me in your mind? What should it be in your opinion? What will happen to us in the following days? What do you want? What do you expect and plan about us? What do you advice for us? Will we live without a love and sex life forever? Or do you think we both should be with somebody else? How a love and sex life you advice to me and to yourself? What is considered good and correct by you in our intimate lifes? Please share your opnion with me. I need it. What is your mentality, your rules of your moral values and religion in such a case we live now? Is it a case requires faithfullness or are we free to do everything at this stage? And the most important thing, what will you do? Sooner or later will I learn one day, there is a man in your heart eighter in your bed? Or will I never learn it even if it happens and continue to wait you as faithfull desperately?

Did I destroy your trust to men as you said or to yourself? In my opinion the only problem in your marriages is lack of your enough love to your husbands perhaps. I never ignore and refuse you loved me. And you did many things can be considered as sacrificing, you took risks and put up difficulties. But perhaps you did them partly not for me personally and your love to me but just to save your marriage as an enterprise. I know there are many ladies try to keep and save their marriages though they dont have any love for the husbands. Like your mom does and my mom did. Any marriage needs love to tolorate bad moments by each other. Love generates more love and may preserve itself but the lack of love causes you hate him more and more with every his movements. They are both like rolling snowballs. I am talking about a real strong love like you have for your daughters, or I have for you to look your photos and kiss them still now.

About me? I will continue to refuse and resist for an other woman else you. Constantly, as long as you will give me any chance even only to have dreams about you to be mine again. Till you will prevent even my dreams. I realized that it was stupidness I considered and planned I had to find an other woman and to be happy with her. I can never find a better woman because non them can be better than the beloved one. Whoever I may find, I will not prefer to you. I will continue to miss you. And as I told you, happiness without love is impossible.

And also you are an exception in may respects. The perfect formula for me. I dont have any alternative to you in many meanings. Though you preferred not to be a good wife by some reasons in last 2 years, I know your perfect potential at it. You are the best wife when you want to be. Even under these extreme conditions, I aim, dream and try only to be with you.

What do you afraid of?

We fell in love and started the love affair very fast 4 years ago. I have not been changed. I would like to be able to admited to show you my real feelings now. I consider you would not happy with my care and attention now and I treat you formal just because of my respect to you. I wish to be free to be able to express what still I feel for you, like I could do 4 years ago. But their effects on you has changed dramatically. You say you believe you made a mistake to choose me, to love me, to get marry with me. Now you try to be rescued from me. How do you know if you are not making a mistake with your this decision now? If you consider you may make such great mistakes, if you dont trust your decisions, how can you be sure about your recent decision now? You consider you could realize your mistake about me 3 years later. Is it possible 3 years later you will realize it was a mistake to leave me? Is there a guarranty you dont make a mistake now? Everything I did then which provided you to fall in love with me has no effect on you now. Even they have negative effects. Trying to reach at you brings me more far away from you. But my darling how can you be sure which of your feelings and emotions about me are right and real? Which of them are reliable? If you dont trust yourself to feel correctly,  If you believe events may stimulate you for fake feelings like it happened with me, you should not trust your feelings for your recent beloveds too in this case.

But I eleminate such a possibility. You feel correctly, to everybody including me. You were right to love me and even you may love me now and you do. Though very very few. That s why you prohibit me to express myself and to reach at your heart.

I love you very much. And you exactly deserve.

I already lived the worst ones.

All these suffers I have had in last 2 years had only one advantage. They made me very coregeous. I have lived bad things enough. What else can be worse to afraid?

How are you? How is going on?

I am crazy for to call you, to speak with you but hesitate. To disturb you and also to witness your possible negative respond. Not to see you dont want even to communicate with me. It s to hard now. To make sollution plans but to postpone them constantly reserves hopes alive. Any attempt has a risk of to face with the truth.

Justice of love.

Whatever I do, whatever I say, I dont have any chance for you now. All the acts and words which made you fall in love with me lost their effect on you now. Even you give negative responce to them now. I wonder very much what was the factor caused you to love me then. What is empty now. Something romantic and impressive I did then, you dont allow me to show now. I am banned to approach you now. And they seem empty with me now. Not because of I dont want to behave so now, but just you have a trasparent armor now. You want to keep me away from you. You expect me to be formal. My beloved what happened to your feelings suddenly? How can they be disappointed at that moment when you decided to leave me? But to get on metro together is still romantic and pleasant for me I felt my last day in Russia. The same things can make me feel love for you still though everything bad I have lived with you, though you treat me so bad. Sometimes I feel like you still love me at least a bit. But sometimes you look at me hostile. I can not be sure about your feelings for me.

Any other man has much more chance for my wife. He may approach you and do something romantic which you banned only to me. He may win you not because of he is better than me but just because of he is free to do everything romantic and you are free to realize. I dont have an opportunity for equal conditions to compete with all the other men for my wife. Einstein said it s more difficult to disintegrate prejudgements in human brain than to disintegrate atom. But it s too unfair when it s about love.

Common opinion about men and women is wrong. You are much less sensitive and emotional ladies. It s enough to check the history with many examples. What men can do for love, what to dare to loose, which difficulties to put up. But women have always choosen the love promises most benefit in all historical love stories. I live for my feelings. I am for my feelings and that s why I have difficulties to understand you, feelings to exist to obey you.

Bigger when it is less.

In such desperate cases each small sparkle of hope becomes more important. Interestingly you are avoid of final attempts for your achiement to try. You afraid of to loose your last hope. You have already lost the reality and only hope has remained. To postpone the final effort keeps it alive. Hope gets more and more important when it gets less. Like a shadow in sunset. It gets longer when darkness gets closer.

Once upon times your song written for me.

I locked myself and threw away the key
Without a pity
You found my heart and brought it back to me
And now it's beating.
It's all your love that makes me feel alive,
That helps me breathing.
It's all your love that makes me sing and love
All days and evenings.
When you call me, write to me your letters -
Every mirning all it makes me better.
When you tell me, how you love me, darling,
I feel happy, I miss you, my honey.
I locked myself and threw away the key,
Hoping no longer.
You found my soul and brought it back to me,
You made me stronger.
It's all my love that makes me feel alive,
That helps me breathing.
It's all my love that makes me sing and laugh
All days and evenings.

To make a vicious circle.

I think I made a psychological or sociological invention.

I call my wife much less, I communicate with her much less now. Not because of I dont want but just because of I afraid of her. I know my every movement sinks me more and more like in a moore. I know she does not want to be called by me. I am afraid of to make her angry. I am afraid of to loose even my recent small opportunity to keep contact with my wife and daughter. Shortly I am afraid of to force my chance too much. Just to be able to respecfull, not to be considered disturbing her, to avoid from a new argue, I even dont show my attention and love to her. But perhaps she thinks I really have not loved her, I just ceased to play. Perhaps I am wrong with my guess, she expects from me not to be so careless. How can she know it s not my decision nor desire to be so. She thinks it s natural perhaps. She does not know I can not be myself now while to be under pressure so much with fearing to make a wrong move. Perhaps she considers it s proof of lacking of my love. And if the situation is really so, it causes her love to me to be reduced. So we raise our reactions interactivity due to each other. And this makes everything stronger day by day.

I think the same mechanism works also at the begining of a love. But just in the opposite direction. You take courage from each other to dare to behave closer by positive feedback.

Perhaps it s just the accelerating mechanism of love affairs at the begining and at the end I discovered now. Or perhaps it s already know by psychologists.

Complex feelings.

I received my new passport this morning. I had waited it for any kind of attemts for my family. On the other hand it could provide me to be able to keep my dreams and postpone to face with bitter realities. Now I will have to start a hard process to reach at my family.

Confusing feelings. I got happy and frigthened at the same time.

Good but that s why bad news.

To pass from medical tests.

For last one week I had to engage with health problems. I had to visit hospitals many times. I have had high blood pressure problem for almost 10 years and nowadays it s it's bad period again. They fixed a specific device on me named holter to monitor the blood pressure for 24 hours. It checks automatically in every half an hour and keeps the values in memory to be transfered into computer to process with a specific software later. You should see me like a suicide bomber with cables and thin tubes on my body. Fortunatelly the report about it was not so bad and doctors told it would be enough to keep far away from salt and stress which impossible for me a life without both at least for now. And just several days before I visited an other doctor for my kidneys this time. I had an operation with my left kidney 2 years ago and for last 6 months I started to feel pain sometime. They made urine test and ultrasoundgraphic imaging and could not find a serious problem but instead prostate grooving problem. And now there is the next treatment in order. Dentist. the most nervous one.

Try to keep raindrops in the air.

I dont pity only for myself but also for all those try to keep me afloat, to prevent my depression desperatly. Though them, raindrop pieces of my soul continue to fall dawn.

Poor my beloveds.

I collect many empty gloves.

I realize that I try to use all opportunites to live something good nowadays. Even the smallest achievments. I create some extra small and attainable targets to myself and exaggerate them to be happy with. But they dont work while I know I have lost the main and final achievement. When you loose your arm, you can not be happy to save the glove.

Everybody else but impossible.

The woman I love is the only impossible one on the eart for me now. I may have a chance with any other one theoretically but I dont have an opportunity with them. It s very interesting to persist on the only impossible one. It s unique power of love.

Please give a job in Russia. I do anything.

I have made 129 applications for a job in Russia in last 10 days. I beg the companies to accept me to Russia to work. I need it like crazy to be able to be there. I feel myself so hopeless and poor first time in my life. Like a rat. so unworthy. I think I behave sıuitable when I feel so and it s understood by people. If you dont respect yourself, nobody does. Even my mom and my best friend Yilmaz started to treat different. I started to feel something unrespectfull with them. Because it s in human's nature to worship the power. I think it s even take part for my wife not to love me to see me not strong. But there is a irony there to be able to seem strong to her, I should not love her under current conditions. We disscussed with Yilmaz 3 days agos while drinking tins of bear. He got angry to me saying "Why do you need to discuss with me? You dont liisten me. It s clear what you should do, set her and yourself free." And I had to give him some example to remind him there are some cases he could not do the most logical things too. Some his mistakes till now. I dont care what is the best for me. I dont need help from anybody to find the best way. Let my friends help me please for the most difficult way to achieve. People pity me to loose constantly, foolish to persist at it, disrespectful to refuse to be strong but I consider myself great not to run away, not to give up, not to afraid but keep going on till my defacto end.

No matter who loves me, who appreciates. But the most important person I can not access now and it s important at all. Nothing satisfies.

Slowly I started to accept I am totally looser. I lost all rounds. First time in my life I am so close to the idea of death. First time it seems so less difficult. with anything pleasant while alive. An animal in trap. Hopeless about the aim of remaining life and impatient for death. Unique solution to come to end the suffer.