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I was married with a Russian woman. The person I had loved most in my life. I loved her very much. We have had a daughter in 2009. My wonderful daughter was born. But I had been able to be with her only till her 1,5 age.

I just had problems with my stepdaughter who she was 9 when I got marry with my ex wife. My step daughter has a difficult character as well as me and it started challenges, problems and conflicts soon. She had been without father and with his very few love and attention since her 4 years old. She is a leo as zodiac sign and requires a kingdom to decree and she had always had such conditions as her mom feels responsibility in her bad fate. But I could not accept to be managed by a 9 years old girl. And I was not mature and experienced enough at parenting to manage the circumstance. An endless struggle and competition started and it leaded problems with my wife. I commented her acts as violations of my rights and tried not to give permission. Now I feel regret for some of my acts very much. Moreover I realise that in some cases I was not right and I did injustices to my step daughter as she did minor mistakes which any girl in her age could do. Poor my wife had to pay the price and took the consequences once more by destroying her life and marriage. She is so unlucky as not to have a good life and destiny till now though she deserves.

So my wife left me and turned back to Russia with the kids in 2011. After 3 years of separation we divorced with her in August 2014. And she declared she found a new lover, an Englishman from London and she got marry with him in February 2016. She says she will bring the kids to England including my daughter. Poor my daughter she has two citizenships to Russia and Turkey. She can not live in one of these her own countries but she has to be as a migrant in England instead. And the worst is that she will has spent almost all her life without her father since her 1,5.

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7/8/12

Please give a job in Russia. I do anything.

I have made 129 applications for a job in Russia in last 10 days. I beg the companies to accept me to Russia to work. I need it like crazy to be able to be there. I feel myself so hopeless and poor first time in my life. Like a rat. so unworthy. I think I behave sıuitable when I feel so and it s understood by people. If you dont respect yourself, nobody does. Even my mom and my best friend Yilmaz started to treat different. I started to feel something unrespectfull with them. Because it s in human's nature to worship the power. I think it s even take part for my wife not to love me to see me not strong. But there is a irony there to be able to seem strong to her, I should not love her under current conditions. We disscussed with Yilmaz 3 days agos while drinking tins of bear. He got angry to me saying "Why do you need to discuss with me? You dont liisten me. It s clear what you should do, set her and yourself free." And I had to give him some example to remind him there are some cases he could not do the most logical things too. Some his mistakes till now. I dont care what is the best for me. I dont need help from anybody to find the best way. Let my friends help me please for the most difficult way to achieve. People pity me to loose constantly, foolish to persist at it, disrespectful to refuse to be strong but I consider myself great not to run away, not to give up, not to afraid but keep going on till my defacto end.

No matter who loves me, who appreciates. But the most important person I can not access now and it s important at all. Nothing satisfies.

Slowly I started to accept I am totally looser. I lost all rounds. First time in my life I am so close to the idea of death. First time it seems so less difficult. with anything pleasant while alive. An animal in trap. Hopeless about the aim of remaining life and impatient for death. Unique solution to come to end the suffer.
zaman:

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