You feel like you are burning.

When you have lost all your hopes, when you realize it suddenly you become like on fire. You can not sit, you can not wait even for a moment. You need to move, an attempt, an effort. It s like panic.

Everything gets smaller and less effective. Nothing satisfies you. Pure desperation is an intensive feeling of to be captured, to be paralyzed.

Life gets slower, moments get longer.

A few days ago in my dream.

We met with you somehow. I think I visited you. You treated me well, friendly. WE disscussed on some possible business options for me. I explained some possible jobs and asked for your opinion. You did not give bad reaction to my plans to live in Russia with you. You did not refuse to speak with me like. You just told me that you did not have enough knowledge to give me advice. I tried to find your brother to discuss about the topic with a hope of a recommandation form him.

In the street while I was passing through a kind of passage under a small bridge, I saw you. I was on a sidewalk but you were on the asphlat. There was a kind of fence made of iron sticks bordering the sidewalk. And we were walking in opposite directions. I called you for several times. You were behaving like in real life. You had been changed dramatically. You were ignoring me and refused to reply me. I fell in a panic suddenly and felt deep disappointment to see you hostile again just after your that promising friendly responce. I addressed you "please wait." But you did wait and even refused to look at my face, just continued to walk away. And then the wall was the leg of the bridge came to between us. I changed my direction into reverse to follow you. I was walking to contrary direction of a massive crowd coming to me. I came to the point the wall finishes and started to wait you there at the edge of the bridge's leg to appear. You did not appear. You were lost like a ghost. I jumped up the fence and involved among the cars to seek you. I called you loudy for many times. And then I realized you in the people a bit far away, running away carefully not to be seen to me. I started to run to you with calling your name.

And I woke up at that moment and the dream finished. My heart was continuing to beat fast. I still had an intensive feeling of panic, love and sarrow remained from the dream. I think dreams allow us to face with our real feelings. They are like indicators of our inner feelings. We can feel strongly whatever there are in our hearts without any self control mechanisms exist while we are awaken. I could not get better for following several minutes after I woke up.

Letters2

My beloved first of all I did not say I was a very good husband. I told that we had problems and crisis, and that s why you left me but though all of them I did not abuse you, deceive you and treat you aggressive. Even now after all your negative response to me, I treat you respectful and lovely. Yes that s right. I love you. Several nights a week I see you in my dreams. My words about my love and also my love itself were not fake. I respect you. I dont call you not to disturb. After your departure, after you left me, for several months we spoke on internet several times a week. You did not refuse. And then you wanted to do it only 2 times a week and I accepted. And now it s much less. Do you think I dont want to call you too? Do you think that s why it is? I accept to get contact with you very seldom as you want JUST BECAUSE OF MY RESPECT TO YOU. Everything I can not share with you, I express in my blog. You may check it at http://destructiondiary.blogspot.com/

 

I have cought your some lies. And because of this in those cases I called you as liar about those subjects. But if it s so bad why did you say something very bad to me too? Dont you remember any moment you told me something rude and offending? You even wrote I am not human on the wall.

 

About satanism I did not claim you were satanist. I wrote that you refused and resisted to enter the church and this is a behavior of satanists. I did not know at that moment your religion was Yehova’s witnesses. I did not know their rules at that moment. To afraid of churches is known as done by satanists in public. Most of people dont know it s common also among Yehova’s witnesses. I learned later when I searched. I wrote that you did something like satanists. It s completely different phrase from you are a satanist. Though everything I APPOLOGIZE YOU IF I OFFENDED YOU SO MUCH.

 

Yes you are right. It was great and very important you left all your existing life in 2009 to come to me and get marry with me. I certainly appreciate. But I do it now in order. And I take much bigger risk now to dare to live in your country completely alone unlike you had a supporting and loving husband. I still want after all bad things we lived. You did sacrificing, you did a great thing to establish a family in a foreign country for me but you dont want to save it now. Not me but you give up from it. About my request from you to live apart from your daughter was a great mistake and I always accept it. But I requested it one day and has given up from it for many months. I gave up from that mistake soon and I had begged you to stay with her during weeks.

 

And above all, after everything you complain, all the events you counted as your reasons to refuse me in your this letter, we lived together. For months. We discussed and decided. I came to Russia and we tried to find a way provides me to stay from that lady kid s products shop owner, to print out advertisements for my products on sale to fix to doors. We tried for an accommodation visa for me. I brought all my belongings. You did not refuse my existence one year ago after all those events. I just want to continue it but now you deny with much older events as reasons.

 

My beloved if I live in Turkey I can see my daughter only a few times a year. You should understand me better than everybody. You faced with such a risk and you know how it is terrible. You preferred to change all your life, to leave your husband and to collapse your marriage to avoid of to be separated from one of your children. I even dont have one more. So, I have to live in Russia. And I have to find a job to earn in Russia. This offer from Expoforum is probably my only chance as a job in Russia. There may be alternative ways to live in Russia. But I want it with you. I search a way to be with you. It s easier to convince any other lady than you now to live with in Russia. It would give me an opportunity to see my daughter often enough. In your opinion why do I choose the most difficult one? You.

Who is the ideal spouse?

Most convenient one

Most loved one

Most loving one

The easiest one

I thought it was the worst.

It was too hard to be apart from you, but it is much worse to try to wipe out your love as inevitable duty given by you now.

Character examination.

It s the examination of my life. Forming some more improvements of my character. A test for to stay kind and patient. I will see if I am really as good as I have always thought. What are my abilities in fact.

It s an examination also for my faith. In my religion nothing else death is completely hopeless. Except death all the problems can be solved one day by the help of Allah. I am testing my capability of accepting my destiny without rioting Allah. I must prove myself under such extreme conditions to you, to myself, to Allah to expect a miracle from. I dont try to claim everything happened were just destiny, inevitable and not my failure. My mistakes, failures triggered them all. But it does not remain any chance to repair, to correct them under the conditions we are in today. I dont have any opportunity to be saved, to be rescued today. This is the destiny.

 My everything, till now perhaps you thought I have been faithful, lovely, kind and regretful for all my mistakes just because of to be able to together with you and with my daughter. To be able to convince you to turn back to me. Probably you hesitated to believe me. Under these new conditions in your life, all y hopes for a common life has become impossible now. After now while I know there is no way to live together, you can be sure I will do it just because of you, just because of I love you, just because of I feel so to do.

Did we loose again?

Did we loose once more?

 

To learn all our furnitures, all our belongings, everything we have will be wasted one more time, destroyed me today. Not only because of it means I lost even that very very small hope for you but also just to see us so desperate. Poor us what bad chance with us. They are already very limited. WE had always have economic difficulties, it has never been easy to but them again. WE struggle with life to have something and it comes and takes them in one moment. Is not it pity to us? To feel this drove me in a very depressive mood. Are we the weakest, worst, wrongest, poorest? I got very upset to be informed you would leave it and had to give up everything inside, that flat, that home was of my dreams. I had dreams. I was in a dream.

Will not we have them again?

You hate my country now. 1 or maximum 2 years ago you could spend good time there. We were happy. Even I know there were some places you loved. We had good memories.

It s pity to hear you hate my country. To see you started to hate not as your own and independent feelings nor decision.

It s pity you lost those lovely memories of us. We lost the chance to share the same feelings of our memories.

And it s pity we dont have a chance to have some more memories like them in Turkey no more.

Ladies worship the power.

Today is Ramazan bayrami in Moslim world. It s a religious celebration for the end of Ramadan. According to traditions, people congratulate each other and give presents to beloveds. I spoke with my wife on Skype. And learned that she found a new job in Moscow. As a privite teacher of a 9 years old girl. Girl's father is a billioner oligark. My wife saw his bodyguards with assault rifles in their mansion. Tell me please who of you would not worry about your beloved if she will spend her day in a probably mafia godfather's home with AK47 armed guards. Even if he is a very good and kind person, it s dangerous to be there because it means he has dangerous foes if he feels a necessity to be protected so good.

And it s not all the risk for my wife. Because of the prices are very very high to rent a flat in Moscow, she can not do it but she will rent a room of a flat with some strangers. It s quite usual in Moscow but my wife says she will bring it too forward by sharing the room with somebody. She says she will rent a room with one more person to share. Nobody knows how a person will be.

I suggested her to share the room with me in Moscow. She refused. And at least to rent her recent flat when she will leave. It belongs to her father. To find an opportunity at least to see my daughter often by being in the same city. Actually this idea also gives me a hope to be able to repair the relation with my wife by being permitted to keep in contact somehow. She refused my this suggestion too.

It was my bayram present today. And in addition to realize an important and painfull truth. She refuses my existance at the cost of taking such risks. It does not seem to me to trust strangers more than me under the conditions of the fact of I have never abuse, swear her, I have never said or done something bad to her though all our problems. Even I did not respond her when she beated me.

My lovely 2,5 years old daughter will be given to kindergarten daytime and to be with her granny at evenings an nights for weekdays. My wife can be with her only at weekends and even perhaps some weekends. Probably she will not be able to come from Moscow every weekend. So my small snow white will be has lost both parents and will be grown up by granny because of my wife's stubbornness. Actually she has a chance of to be with her parents.

I have waited this contact with my wife for a week. I had kept my optimism with a hope to convince her. I had good news for my wife that I received a new job offer from a Russian company and it means an ability to end my economic problems prevent me to live with my family in Russia.

The worst is that to face with such harsh things, destroys me and then when I am fell down my chance for my wife gets even less and less and it leads some more incidents. Reasons and results trigger each other. But one should be cool, strong and vain to influence a lady.

Poor my daugter.

I learned some bad news about my daughter last week. My wife informed me on Skype that my small, sweet, lovely daughter has some health problems. Since then it has disturb me very much. I have been sadden not only for my suffer of nonappearance of my beloveds but also my baby to have health problems.

It has been detected astigmatic with her eyes and the problem of flat foot with her feet. My wife said doctors told she has to wear special orthopedic shoes life long. CAn you imagine how is it bad and difficult for a lady. Ladies may have difficulties to make a decision even among normal standart shoes which they are in millions of models. My daughter I hope will be beautiful but will have very limited choices to choose and find a beautiful model of shoes for herself. You can not know how much I got upseet with these bad news about my wonderfull daughter. Even I can write about it just now. I wanted to postpone to think, write about it.

I even can not be there. Though not to do something but even not to be with her. To support all her difficulties when she needs me to be with her as a good father. Believe me they are muh more difficult some problems about your beloveds when you are far away. You feel desperation about illnesses much stronger.

Small bullets in my cheast.

I can not endure small hands of infants now. When I see an infant in a bus, in a shop, somewhere in public I get great upset at the sae time as I feel sympathy. All the infants remind me my daughter. I love my 2,5 y.o. daughter very much and it s too hard to be separated from her. She is so sweet, clever and kind. I love her all but particulary her small and cute hands, soft and tneder fingers touch me with. Like a butterfly on my skin. I everyday remember her fingers. Look like her mom's form. I remember I cleaned those small fingers to remove choclate.

Their faces all different but fingers are with minor differences. All small fingers remind me my daughter's and injure my heart like bullets.

I am more realistic.

My mom finally understood the situation today. Or she just decided to declare she is aware and talked about it first time.

She said I get upset for "impossible". Impossible to recover our marriage and I am sad for nothing. All I have to do is to accept and give up. To think about not past but future. But I can not take advice from a person has never been in love in her life. She says my wife is in comfort on holiday and even does not remember me. She even refuses to speak with me on Skype. She just ignores me. Yes it s probably so but it can not be expected something else from her under these conditions. And also I have enough knowledge to know my mom is not honest about my wife. She did not appraciate my wife even in our best days.

My mom says it my mistake not to be realistic. But I am...... There is a very small chance still. I have to use it. I will find a way to turn back to Russia and live there at least in the same city with my wife and daughter. And I will try to keep my hope she will love me again during our contacts.

Otherwise I will continue to blame myself forever if I give up now withotu using that chance.

If it was mine.

I'd like to run away from you
But if I were to leave you I would die
I'd like to break the chains you put around me
And yet I'll never try

No matter what you do you drive me crazy
I'd rather be alone
But then I know my life would be so empty
As soon as you are gone

Impossible to live with you
But I could never live without you
For whatever you do / For whatever you do
I never, never, never
Want to be in love with anyone but you

You make me sad
You make me strong
You make me mad
You make me long for you / You make me long for you

You make me live
You make me die
You make me laugh
You make me cry for you / You make me cry for you

I hate you
Then I love you
Then I love you
Then I hate you
Then I love you, I Love You more
For whatever you do
I never, never, never
Want to be in love with anyone but you

You treat me wrong
You treat me right
You let me be
You make me fight with you / I could never live without you

You make me high
You bring me down
You set me free
You hold me bound to you

I hate you
Then I love you
Then I love you
Then I hate you
Then I love you more / I love you more
For whatever you do / For whatever you do
I never, never, never
Want to be in love with anyone but you

I never, never, never
I never, never, never
I never, never, never
Want to be in love with anyone but you
But you.

No it s not mine.

My wife be honest please if I wrote it, would you consider the words as one more evidence for your claim about me to be not normal?

But I did not write. It s a Celine Dion song. It may happen to somebody else too such exaggenarating explanations about over emotional explodings and I think people consider the author normal and even successful. You may like when it s done not by me.

Something in life is so easy to look like craziness if you want to see it so.

Lessons from animals.

Are we worse than animals? You see hunt and hunter in the photos playing piecefully. Can not we achieve something even animals can do? O.K. I can understand you dont love me but why should we have very bad relations?

Statistics.

63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes
(Source: U.S. D.H.H.S., Bureau of the Census)

90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes

85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes
(Source: Center for Disease Control)

80% of rapists come from fatherless homes
(Source: Criminal Justice & Behavior, Vol 14, p. 403-26, 1978.)

71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes
(Source: National Principals Report on the State of High Schools .)

75% of all adolescent patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes
(Source: Rainbows for all God`s Children.)

85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home
(Source: Fulton Co. Georgia jail populations, Texas Dept. of Corrections 1992)

These statistics translate to mean that children from a fatherless home are:

5 times more likely to commit suicide

32 times more likely to run away

20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders

Boys are 14 times more likely to commit rape

9 times more likely to drop out of high school

10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances

9 times more likely to end up in a state-operated institution

20 times more likely to end up in prison

http://divorceddadsurvivalguide.com/category/things-you-have-to-know

Totally hopeless.

Everything has been desperite, small, unpleasant and unsufficent.
All my favorite things.

Poor them.

Poor me.

What will satisfy me.

I feel myself very lonely, even alone. All people like to be non existed.

Zeytinli Köfte.

My mom prepared your favorite meal today.

Meatballs with olives.

Shortly.

Believe me I can not not do. I can not put up. I can not live.

I thought it would be the most difficult period at the begining to be apart from and then it would get easier day by day.

They are too heavy now.

Till short time ago, when I was a bit more optimistic, memories were helpful and pleasant. They helped to put up the breake up and to keep dreams for future. Like oxygen in underwater. I wished to remember them, to live in flashbacks as often as possible.

But now they have become painfull and to sharp like a knife. They just symbolize a lost and disappeared past and hopeless future. They show me even more and stronger what I lost. Something remind me my beloved made me happy, repaired my mood and gave me opportunity to imagine as like I had still been in those nice times. But now cold reality does not allow me even to imagine. They changed from oxygen to ghost I try to hide. With each of those wonderfull memories with her it becomes more and more difficult to consider I will just continue to miss her. The worst one, they started to have different meanings.

What did you do to me so cruel my everything?


By walking away.

Even the most wonderfull moments of us are too heavy to carry for me now.

The perfect formula for me.

How do you identify yourself now, as completely single and ready for a new man or in an interapted marriage? What is your concept for me in your mind? What should it be in your opinion? What will happen to us in the following days? What do you want? What do you expect and plan about us? What do you advice for us? Will we live without a love and sex life forever? Or do you think we both should be with somebody else? How a love and sex life you advice to me and to yourself? What is considered good and correct by you in our intimate lifes? Please share your opnion with me. I need it. What is your mentality, your rules of your moral values and religion in such a case we live now? Is it a case requires faithfullness or are we free to do everything at this stage? And the most important thing, what will you do? Sooner or later will I learn one day, there is a man in your heart eighter in your bed? Or will I never learn it even if it happens and continue to wait you as faithfull desperately?

Did I destroy your trust to men as you said or to yourself? In my opinion the only problem in your marriages is lack of your enough love to your husbands perhaps. I never ignore and refuse you loved me. And you did many things can be considered as sacrificing, you took risks and put up difficulties. But perhaps you did them partly not for me personally and your love to me but just to save your marriage as an enterprise. I know there are many ladies try to keep and save their marriages though they dont have any love for the husbands. Like your mom does and my mom did. Any marriage needs love to tolorate bad moments by each other. Love generates more love and may preserve itself but the lack of love causes you hate him more and more with every his movements. They are both like rolling snowballs. I am talking about a real strong love like you have for your daughters, or I have for you to look your photos and kiss them still now.

About me? I will continue to refuse and resist for an other woman else you. Constantly, as long as you will give me any chance even only to have dreams about you to be mine again. Till you will prevent even my dreams. I realized that it was stupidness I considered and planned I had to find an other woman and to be happy with her. I can never find a better woman because non them can be better than the beloved one. Whoever I may find, I will not prefer to you. I will continue to miss you. And as I told you, happiness without love is impossible.

And also you are an exception in may respects. The perfect formula for me. I dont have any alternative to you in many meanings. Though you preferred not to be a good wife by some reasons in last 2 years, I know your perfect potential at it. You are the best wife when you want to be. Even under these extreme conditions, I aim, dream and try only to be with you.

What do you afraid of?

We fell in love and started the love affair very fast 4 years ago. I have not been changed. I would like to be able to admited to show you my real feelings now. I consider you would not happy with my care and attention now and I treat you formal just because of my respect to you. I wish to be free to be able to express what still I feel for you, like I could do 4 years ago. But their effects on you has changed dramatically. You say you believe you made a mistake to choose me, to love me, to get marry with me. Now you try to be rescued from me. How do you know if you are not making a mistake with your this decision now? If you consider you may make such great mistakes, if you dont trust your decisions, how can you be sure about your recent decision now? You consider you could realize your mistake about me 3 years later. Is it possible 3 years later you will realize it was a mistake to leave me? Is there a guarranty you dont make a mistake now? Everything I did then which provided you to fall in love with me has no effect on you now. Even they have negative effects. Trying to reach at you brings me more far away from you. But my darling how can you be sure which of your feelings and emotions about me are right and real? Which of them are reliable? If you dont trust yourself to feel correctly,  If you believe events may stimulate you for fake feelings like it happened with me, you should not trust your feelings for your recent beloveds too in this case.

But I eleminate such a possibility. You feel correctly, to everybody including me. You were right to love me and even you may love me now and you do. Though very very few. That s why you prohibit me to express myself and to reach at your heart.

I love you very much. And you exactly deserve.

I already lived the worst ones.

All these suffers I have had in last 2 years had only one advantage. They made me very coregeous. I have lived bad things enough. What else can be worse to afraid?

How are you? How is going on?

I am crazy for to call you, to speak with you but hesitate. To disturb you and also to witness your possible negative respond. Not to see you dont want even to communicate with me. It s to hard now. To make sollution plans but to postpone them constantly reserves hopes alive. Any attempt has a risk of to face with the truth.

Justice of love.

Whatever I do, whatever I say, I dont have any chance for you now. All the acts and words which made you fall in love with me lost their effect on you now. Even you give negative responce to them now. I wonder very much what was the factor caused you to love me then. What is empty now. Something romantic and impressive I did then, you dont allow me to show now. I am banned to approach you now. And they seem empty with me now. Not because of I dont want to behave so now, but just you have a trasparent armor now. You want to keep me away from you. You expect me to be formal. My beloved what happened to your feelings suddenly? How can they be disappointed at that moment when you decided to leave me? But to get on metro together is still romantic and pleasant for me I felt my last day in Russia. The same things can make me feel love for you still though everything bad I have lived with you, though you treat me so bad. Sometimes I feel like you still love me at least a bit. But sometimes you look at me hostile. I can not be sure about your feelings for me.

Any other man has much more chance for my wife. He may approach you and do something romantic which you banned only to me. He may win you not because of he is better than me but just because of he is free to do everything romantic and you are free to realize. I dont have an opportunity for equal conditions to compete with all the other men for my wife. Einstein said it s more difficult to disintegrate prejudgements in human brain than to disintegrate atom. But it s too unfair when it s about love.

Common opinion about men and women is wrong. You are much less sensitive and emotional ladies. It s enough to check the history with many examples. What men can do for love, what to dare to loose, which difficulties to put up. But women have always choosen the love promises most benefit in all historical love stories. I live for my feelings. I am for my feelings and that s why I have difficulties to understand you, feelings to exist to obey you.

Bigger when it is less.

In such desperate cases each small sparkle of hope becomes more important. Interestingly you are avoid of final attempts for your achiement to try. You afraid of to loose your last hope. You have already lost the reality and only hope has remained. To postpone the final effort keeps it alive. Hope gets more and more important when it gets less. Like a shadow in sunset. It gets longer when darkness gets closer.

Once upon times your song written for me.

I locked myself and threw away the key
Without a pity
You found my heart and brought it back to me
And now it's beating.
It's all your love that makes me feel alive,
That helps me breathing.
It's all your love that makes me sing and love
All days and evenings.
When you call me, write to me your letters -
Every mirning all it makes me better.
When you tell me, how you love me, darling,
I feel happy, I miss you, my honey.
I locked myself and threw away the key,
Hoping no longer.
You found my soul and brought it back to me,
You made me stronger.
It's all my love that makes me feel alive,
That helps me breathing.
It's all my love that makes me sing and laugh
All days and evenings.

To make a vicious circle.

I think I made a psychological or sociological invention.

I call my wife much less, I communicate with her much less now. Not because of I dont want but just because of I afraid of her. I know my every movement sinks me more and more like in a moore. I know she does not want to be called by me. I am afraid of to make her angry. I am afraid of to loose even my recent small opportunity to keep contact with my wife and daughter. Shortly I am afraid of to force my chance too much. Just to be able to respecfull, not to be considered disturbing her, to avoid from a new argue, I even dont show my attention and love to her. But perhaps she thinks I really have not loved her, I just ceased to play. Perhaps I am wrong with my guess, she expects from me not to be so careless. How can she know it s not my decision nor desire to be so. She thinks it s natural perhaps. She does not know I can not be myself now while to be under pressure so much with fearing to make a wrong move. Perhaps she considers it s proof of lacking of my love. And if the situation is really so, it causes her love to me to be reduced. So we raise our reactions interactivity due to each other. And this makes everything stronger day by day.

I think the same mechanism works also at the begining of a love. But just in the opposite direction. You take courage from each other to dare to behave closer by positive feedback.

Perhaps it s just the accelerating mechanism of love affairs at the begining and at the end I discovered now. Or perhaps it s already know by psychologists.

Complex feelings.

I received my new passport this morning. I had waited it for any kind of attemts for my family. On the other hand it could provide me to be able to keep my dreams and postpone to face with bitter realities. Now I will have to start a hard process to reach at my family.

Confusing feelings. I got happy and frigthened at the same time.

Good but that s why bad news.

To pass from medical tests.

For last one week I had to engage with health problems. I had to visit hospitals many times. I have had high blood pressure problem for almost 10 years and nowadays it s it's bad period again. They fixed a specific device on me named holter to monitor the blood pressure for 24 hours. It checks automatically in every half an hour and keeps the values in memory to be transfered into computer to process with a specific software later. You should see me like a suicide bomber with cables and thin tubes on my body. Fortunatelly the report about it was not so bad and doctors told it would be enough to keep far away from salt and stress which impossible for me a life without both at least for now. And just several days before I visited an other doctor for my kidneys this time. I had an operation with my left kidney 2 years ago and for last 6 months I started to feel pain sometime. They made urine test and ultrasoundgraphic imaging and could not find a serious problem but instead prostate grooving problem. And now there is the next treatment in order. Dentist. the most nervous one.

Try to keep raindrops in the air.

I dont pity only for myself but also for all those try to keep me afloat, to prevent my depression desperatly. Though them, raindrop pieces of my soul continue to fall dawn.

Poor my beloveds.

I collect many empty gloves.

I realize that I try to use all opportunites to live something good nowadays. Even the smallest achievments. I create some extra small and attainable targets to myself and exaggerate them to be happy with. But they dont work while I know I have lost the main and final achievement. When you loose your arm, you can not be happy to save the glove.

Everybody else but impossible.

The woman I love is the only impossible one on the eart for me now. I may have a chance with any other one theoretically but I dont have an opportunity with them. It s very interesting to persist on the only impossible one. It s unique power of love.

Please give a job in Russia. I do anything.

I have made 129 applications for a job in Russia in last 10 days. I beg the companies to accept me to Russia to work. I need it like crazy to be able to be there. I feel myself so hopeless and poor first time in my life. Like a rat. so unworthy. I think I behave sıuitable when I feel so and it s understood by people. If you dont respect yourself, nobody does. Even my mom and my best friend Yilmaz started to treat different. I started to feel something unrespectfull with them. Because it s in human's nature to worship the power. I think it s even take part for my wife not to love me to see me not strong. But there is a irony there to be able to seem strong to her, I should not love her under current conditions. We disscussed with Yilmaz 3 days agos while drinking tins of bear. He got angry to me saying "Why do you need to discuss with me? You dont liisten me. It s clear what you should do, set her and yourself free." And I had to give him some example to remind him there are some cases he could not do the most logical things too. Some his mistakes till now. I dont care what is the best for me. I dont need help from anybody to find the best way. Let my friends help me please for the most difficult way to achieve. People pity me to loose constantly, foolish to persist at it, disrespectful to refuse to be strong but I consider myself great not to run away, not to give up, not to afraid but keep going on till my defacto end.

No matter who loves me, who appreciates. But the most important person I can not access now and it s important at all. Nothing satisfies.

Slowly I started to accept I am totally looser. I lost all rounds. First time in my life I am so close to the idea of death. First time it seems so less difficult. with anything pleasant while alive. An animal in trap. Hopeless about the aim of remaining life and impatient for death. Unique solution to come to end the suffer.