Did you bring him to VDNK?

We visited together and I liked very much. I have wonderfull memories about my those Moscow trips to visit you in our early stages. Did you bring him also to Golden Gate and Botanic  Park in Vladimir we have been together? There is ntohing has remained spesific to us, about only us. Da my beloved?




I can understand your behaviour very well now. You drank a whole glass of cognag and got extremely drunken when you saw the photos of my ex girls friends in my computer despite the truth those girls had no meaning and importance by the time for me as well as now. You also felt bad and got upset when we would go to Bolu where you knew I visited with them too before. Now I feel the lack of perception of something unique to me, something special to me in your life.

How was life when my beloved was born.

 

What was going on in her country meanwhile my loved ex wife was born.

A lovely documentary for me.

 

It s like somebody addresses me.

It was one of my most loved songs in my childhood. I did not know it would suit and fit to me so well one day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4QqMKe3rwY&feature=youtu.be

Chiquitita, tell me what's wrong?
You're enchained by your own sorrow
In your eyes there is no hope for tomorrow
How I hate to see you like this
There is no way you can deny it
I can see that you're oh so sad, so quiet

Chiquitita, tell me the truth
I'm a shoulder you can cry on
Your best friend, I'm the one you must rely on
You were always sure of yourself
Now I see you've broken a feather
I hope we can patch it up together

Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go
And the scars they're leaving
You'll be dancing once again and the pain will end
You will have no time for grieving

Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you
Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita

So the walls came tumbling down
And your love's a blown out candle
All is gone and it seems too hard to handle
Chiquitita, tell me the truth
There is no way you can deny it
I see that you're oh so sad, so quiet

Chiquitita, you and I know
How the heartaches come and they go
And the scars they're leaving
You'll be dancing once again and the pain will end
You will have no time for grieving

Chiquitita, you and I cry
But the sun is still in the sky and shining above you
Let me hear you sing once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita
Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita

Try once more like you did before
Sing a new song, Chiquitita

Private letters with a friend.

 I understand your sarcasm...
If you want sex with me, you waste time in vain...
I differ from those women about whom you think...

Оксана


Why did you think so, how did you have such an idea Oksana.

Apparently it is better me to clarify the issue about us. As you know we got acquainted in a dating web site. In those days I thought my beloved had a love affair with Jason and foolishly I consider I had to responce by starting with a new love affair. I was searching a woman and you were good and convenient for me. You are beautiful, attractive and sexy. I dreamt love and sex with you. And I did not hide it from you. I told I wanted you included for sex. But you were not complaining of this then. You responded by your photos in bikini. In those days I had attempts for a love affair also with somebody else and I made sex with several women. But in a few months I just realised that an affair or sex with somebody never satisfy me, makes me happy but rather makes me feel bad only. I saw this is not I have wanted and needed. I understood I want everything only with my beloved even though she refuses me now. I have decided it is better not to live anything at all since I can not do with her. I declared it to you and suggested that I did want a love affair with you and even I did not want to continue to contact. On the other hand you have been a good and loyal friend. After some months you got contact with me again and we have continued to communicate in a form of friendship since then. Oksana have I ever offer or mention anything about sex since then. Even one time did I suggest anything about love or sex. NO. I have paid 3 visits to Vladimir since we got re contact. The last was in last month. I did not call you, I did not try to meet. You talk about men to me. You have had contacts and attempts with 3 men in order but how was my reaction. I can listen calm and enjoy to discuss. Whereas I would almost die with suffer of heart problems for upset and jealousy about her affair with an other man though she is not my wife no more. What you lived with that Grek man and what you may live with this recent one does not interest me. I just want, plan and aim to continue to dream, to imagine of my beloved even in her absence. Is it craziness. Yes it is. Who cares. I need only her and I have her in my soul and heart as I keep her alive in me forever.

You are certainly a beautiful and attractive woman. I certainly would want to make sex with you under normal conditions. But now, relax and calm down please. I have neither wish nor aim to do it with anybody. I will not attempt. If there will be a miracle one day, if I will cease to love my ex wife one day, you will be in prior among ladies. You will be informed if it will happen. You know I am not shy.

Oksana what is wrong with sex for you. Why it is prohibited to you. Why do you afraid of if a man may demand it. I remember you told me you had not do it for years. You went to Greece to meet with your lover but you say with a condition not to make sex. Probably only because of this you got a negative responce and approach from him. I guessed it was only sex he wanted. And without it, you were not needed for him. But why do you prohibit it to yourself. Were you raped in past remained a fear to you. Dont you trust yourself at sex. Do you believe you are so bad at sex. Or versay vercy you are a sex addict considering you can not stay without it even one day if you start it again like treated drug abusers.

Anyway I wish for you good in the future.


Poka.


You answered all your questions. I want to keep my sexual energy for my favourite person. For this reason I stopped any communication with men. Also it is the main reason why I don't want to send my photos of to nobody. Besides all men lie. They think out the different reasons to drag me in a bed. I don't trust men. And I don't trust you because you are a man.

Quite recently I understood what is necessary to me the man. And I will wait for such man. I believe that he will find me. And I will protect and increase my sexual energy for my man now. I understood that I quickly lose her...

Оксана

Oksana I realised how much we are similar with you.

To have such a strong, stubborn, stable, deep and courageous soul. As a consequence of to be Taurus.
You say you will preserve, protect and keep yourself to an ideal man. The man matches your requirements and expectations perfectly. You will wait your favorite. You say you are sure he will find you. But how. And I say I just will continue to dream of my ex wife desperately. It will be all my love life. I dont want a real affair with somebody but I will settle for only with memories and dreams. Both are utopias. We prefer to live non existing loves with dream heroes. We are like small kids believe fairy tale heroes.

Let me say you honestly, frankly in a realistic way. We are both in our last times. Nowadays are our last chances. We will waste our days, months, years in a stupid wait and then when we will realise it will have been a big mistake, nobody will want and prefer us. It will be too late even for accepting those we refuse today. We will have wasted our last chaces for a happy family.

Is it an indicator of to be fool. No. It would be, if I could not see and forecast and predict all of this. But I know they will happen. It means I am clever enough. It is just inevitable destiny as I have nothing to do about it. I can not be happy with any other woman and this is why I can not try to start with any woman when I know she is not what I want.

What a strong evidence for to be similar as zodiac signs in common. Look at us, 45 years old children, dreaming fool children trashing the expensive rest of lives.


Only that for sure we behave not selfish and pragmatic, but noble, loyal and decent as to be old fashioned today.



Yeah, maybe you're right.

But I have a different view on these things. First of all, I love my solitude. My narcotic - it is solitude. I'm used to it, I was alone for too long. Loneliness - my vacation, my comfort. I do not suffer from this. And any relationship - is the work for me.

Secondly, I do not expect  ideal man. I need a man who can accept me with my shortcomings. I have at times is a difficult character. I get moody, and I am a despot ... And I need a man, shortcomings which I can take as well.

Third, we both know that there is fate. When I swim against the current of the river, I realize that I'm doing it for nothing. I'm tired of swimming against the tide, and I tired of fighting. I choose  peace of mind now, and I trust my stream of life.

Оксана

Nice memory, painful coincidence and harsh reality.

It was my beloved ex wife's present to me before our marriage. It is written "better, faster, stronger" on the  T Shirt and Colin's is the name of the brand. What a cruel coincidence for me her new man's name is Colin now. Despite we have divorced I still love her very much.

She did not know the message on T Shirt actually mentioned herself as to be Colin's and to be better, faster, stronger than me to establish a new happy life.

Does it try to mean something?

My ex wife, my beloved presented this cactus to me years ago. It has had a form of a heart.

The situation leads a new level of my exam.

My wife's love affair with her English darling has diveded me into two parts. The consequences of my love to her requires contrary reactions and feelings. There are two "me" in my body now fighting each other and this struggle is probably one of the most cruel challenges one may face in his life. I envy her like crazy. But I should be happy for her to be happy finally. I can not want and wish her to be alone life long if I love her as it is not good for anybody. I should want everything good for her, I should be glad with her benefits. Poor her, she had been alone for almost 3 years. Her soul and body need somebody and since I can not be him, I should even thank him, I should be grateful to him in a way. I remember our good days,smiling suits her very much. LEt her smile a bit after a long break. She certainly deserves happiness. But is it so easy? Jealousy ie also a dominant feeling and a reality as a concequence of love. I will survey its mechanism in my next post. My wife is also a jealous person.

My extraordinary experience with my wife, our story, the issue is being get mutation, becomes more and more complicated, gets new dimentions with new levels of exam for me and is going on to have had the lessons of my life.

Believe me it is terrible to have two contrary feelings for one thing and you would never want to experience it ever.

Just as I wrote before.

The husband who shot himself dead at a shooting range after his model wife was pictured cozying up to Leonardo DiCaprio was 'devastated' when his marriage to the 'love of his life' fell apart, a friend has revealed.

Katie Cleary was pictured cuddling up to DiCaprio and Entourage star Adrian Grenier last month in Cannes, before her husband Andrew Stern killed himself at a California shooting range on Sunday.

Now his loved ones are trying to come to terms with the death of the 40-year-old businessman, who had filed for divorce just weeks before the tragedy.

'Andrew was an amazing man and husband who believed Katie to be the love of his life,' his friend Pace Lattin told MailOnline.

'He made it clear that he would do anything to make her happy... He saw that he put all he could into his marriage and his wife, and when she wanted more, it devastated him.'

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2668516/Katie-Clearys-husband-Andrew-Stern-filed-divorce-just-months-ago-killing-shooting-range.html

And my related post http://desolationdiary.blogspot.com.tr/2014/03/can-steel-have-chance-against-ice.html

I really wanted to do the same but I was just not courageous enough.

Is it the difference between women and men?

You hate me. Probably you consider and indentify me as an evil. At me nothing good but completely bad. You dont have any good memories with me. Really are you sure we have not live anything bad, you have neer been happy with me. In this case why did you wait 5 years to divorce?

But I can not consider you as bad, I can not say something bad about you. Yes we lived something bad but the period I had been with you was the best and most pleasant of my life. I miss even our the worst moment. I have wonderful memories with you and I had perfect times. You gave me a wonderful child and you have always been a perfect mother to her. I am grateful to you. You came to Buyukcekmece park and spent whole day there for me. You spend whole your day in a small shopping mall Beylikduzu Migros. You left your everything behind and came to my city to live even in difficult conditions.

I will always remember you good.

You are happy with him now and you love him. But dont forget you said also for Andrey and then for me once upon times. Be carefull please we know you were wrong with your feelings in your previous two marriages. Or your feelings and opinions are not so much stable but can be changed easily.

Our Swan lake story.

What a chance it was. How easy everything was. But now I can not be your lover even with much more effort. It was a miracle and you were a chance for me then. How we have lost at all at once? Poor you, poor us. Who can I be for you now? To be whom can you give me permision?

Pessimistically an enemy, optimistically a friend who applause your happiness with Colin. Both are too bad for me. What are my options? You just may be a foe or friend in time. Or can you be a well preserved love saved forever in my heart? As it is told in the soundtrack of Titanic "you are safe in my heart" Is not it possible to keep you as my lover even at least in my dreams? Does it happen an inevitable mutation in the identity of our relation with every further communication? You may be my lover forever only if I stay away from you? You are like a butterfly for me now. I should love from distance but not touch. You appeared to me magically like a forest spirt, so wonderfull and fascinating but not belong to me but free.

It reminds me "Swan lake ballet." My loved has been shot and injured. She is bleeding and needs to be cured. I can not do it but somebody else. If I capture her she may die in my arms. She can not be with me even for minutes but she will be in me forever.

There is no properly happiness for me no more.

Nowadays I try ot convince myself it is better to lose both of my beloveds than to lose one. Not to do something may bother my wife. Rather just because of to be able to continue to love my wife. I must make a terrible decision, I haved to harm a beloved or me, it must be harmful for one of us at least as our benefits contradict at the moment. AFter now there is not a "common good" for us. In any case to be able to do something good to one of beloved persons I have to give up the others and do something bad and harmful. It is the most terrible situation one may face to have to choose a victim, beloved or himself.

My wife left me and turned back to Russia with kids in August 2011. Initially she promised to visit her grandmother and turn back because she did not obtain my permission for our daughter to bring to Russia. But she has never accepted to turn back. After short time she declared she never loved me now, she broke up with me and never wanted me in her life no more. She said she never considered us as husband and wife no more. However as she is a perfect person and she is very kind, she always treated me well, polite understanding and kind.  She did not attempt to divorce during 3 years till now. She announced she applied to the court for divorce recently. It was a great love ours, we were a really very good couple and loved each other very much. I still love her very much. Our only problem, I had problems with my step daughter. My wife had a daughter from her first marriage and she was 9 then and 15 now. I never considered her as a problem and married with my wife as I frankly wanted and drem she would be my daughter. My step daughter has a difficult character as well as me and it started challenges, problems and conflicts soon. She had been without father and with very few his love and attention since her 4 years old. She is a leo requires a kingdom to decree and she had always had such conditions as her mom feels responsibility in her bad fate. I was not mature and experienced enough to manage the circumstance. An endless struggle and competition started and it leaded problems with my wife. I commented her acts as attempts to manage the family and tried not to give permission. Now I feel regret for most of my acts very much. Nothing deserved to lose my wonderful wife, my happy marriage and my lovely small daughter. Moreover I realise that in most cases I was not right and I did injustices to my step daughter as she did minor mistakes which any girl in her age could do. Poor my wife had to pay the price and took the consequences once more by destroying her life and marriage. She is so unlucky as not to have a good life and destiny till now as the best person I have ever seen in my whole life.

So we have been seperated since 2011 but I had had hopes and dreams to move to Vladimir and to live at least in the same city might give me an opportunity to see my loveds much more often and even perhaps to be able to repair with my wife in time again. My wonderful wife even helped me about it and we tried but I again could not use that chance and made many mistakes and unwanted behaviours lead her to refuse my existance.

Recently my wife announced she started a love affair with an English man and plans to move to England perhaps. I still want to live in Vladimir. My loved city as to be of my wife. I dont want any other woman in my life and I dont plan to be together with a new woman in a love affair or marriage. I want and plan to live alone in my loved Vladimir. To be able to live a dream of them as everything reminds me my beloved wife and daughter in that city. I want to live there and dream of them. The city is full of their memories. I have tried to solve the problem to arrange to earn money to survive.

But what will happen to me? It may risk even my life by my serious health problems. Should I violate my own rights and put my life in risk? Should I ignore my requirements and necessities? I had a heart attack last year. I have serious heart problems, prostate, asthma and a cyst in my wrist. The heart problem appeared one year ago. According to doctors it is highly connected with intensive stress I have lived in last years. Doctor explained it to me with an example. He said many people live such family problems in their lives as breaking ups or divorces but they draw a line to their lives and dont continue to suffer so long mostly. I did not live the worst one but it took long. He said "You can carry easily a glass of water but it may leave a serious damage in your arm if you try to hold it for 10 hours." Some hormones to be excreted in case of stress probably took role of my cardiac microvascular system to be blocked. Who will help me if I will get worse one night in Vladimir? Who will help me if I will be ill acutely while I will live alone in that city?

Even if I will not move to Vladimir but stay in Istanbul to be alone is still risky for me. I live with my 78 y.o. mom and 80 y.o. aunt how long more they can live? Will not I be able to do even my most basic and wanted need for now, to avoid from other women and live my love in my mind? I pity also to myself. I could not have a good life so much, I was quite unlucky. I am 45 and I have had 4 operations till now. I have had to live without my daughter since she was 1,5 y.o. and will it last life long? Will we suffer to miss each other for whole life with my daughter? I still my wife very much but what can I do to convince her. Unfortunately there is nothing to do for her now for me. But my daughter responds my love. She is all has remained to me at the moment. Should I give up also from my loved daughter? Poor her, when they will move to England she has to be without father life long. Be able to see her father only 2-3 times a year. Will my daughter live problems with her stepfather too? Or as not better, will she adopt and love him as her father but not me? She will be alone in England except from her mom and sister unlikely in Russia as she is with also grandparents and many relatives.

My wife asks for me not to hassle at divorce, she requests it to happen piecefully. She is so kind, cooperative, trustful, reliable and honest with a big goodwill. She is the best person in my life. I can never do anything bad to her. I should help her, I should support and assist her to be happy even with him as her choice. I should never be harmful to such a perfect person I love. She is the person I love most in the world along our daughter even now after overall. Ironically just because of this I never want her to divorce from me and go to that man and to live in England. It is disastrous jealousy for me to see them together even in the photos.

What do I do?

Correspondance with a friend.

Smatri Oksana.

My wife with her darling. So lovely.

I feel so bad.

It started again chest pain.

I am surrendered. I lost and I am hopeless first time.

It is like to die. And it will cause me to die perhaps.

I love her so much but he stole from me. She says just because of he did not live a problem with her daughters yet.

He enjoys of her, to be together.

I need a drop of water he drinks her for glasses.

Let him fuck me instead, it would not be worse.

they look good together ...
and look happy ...
lovely couple, they complement each other.
should wish them happiness.
I read that love - this is when you want your loved one to be happy, no matter with whom, with you or with someone else ...
she chooses ...
I'm sorry, I know how it hurts you ...
but that's life ...

Оксана Александрова.

Oksana but what about my happiness. Should not I want and wish my own happiness. Do not I have a right to demand happiness. Why should I ignore my wishes and needs? I can never be happy without her. I love her like crazy. I miss her every moment. How can I be happy while lacking of her. When I burn in fire he enjoys of her.
I dont sadden because of my beloved is happy. I am upset he is not me she is happy with.

I should wish happiness to THEM?! Including him? Oksana if a burglar will steal your car for example, do you wish him a nice driving and joyful time to spend? It is impossible even with a belongings. We are created with an instinct to find and to get the best and most loved. To save it for ourselves. This is the main motivation of all our achievments of our centuries long civilization. To miss, to have, to be together, to see, to fight for our favorites.

I love her twice by you.

I am glad I still love you.

Otherwise I would not be able to love also my daguhter so much. In addition I love her very much as she is I love her also as a part of you. She is a piece of you. Her half is made of you and this fact makes me love her even more.

She is the unique piece of you not prohibitted to me.

She certainly deserves to be loved.

Fortunatelly she is your daughter.

Poor my step daughter.

This is a page of my step daughter's diary she logged when she lived in Istanbul.

She says she felt regret to come to Istanbul. Wants to turn back to Russia. She wrote ENOUGH! Only her mom and small sister loves and cares her. She says she does not love me.

I did not know she suffered so much. She had so much problems and felt so unpleasant. She did not look so. In my opinion she did not have reasons to be so unhappy since everything was in her service. I did never beat her, abused her, berated her. She did everything she needed and her necessities were never ignored as far as possible. It s certain she was much more prime than me and anybody else in the family. Does it mean everything was perfect for her and she did not have any dfficulties? No. She had a communication problem with almost everybody because of a langauge barrier. Her only freinds were one small girl named Leyla, her mom and her 1 y.o. sister as much she can do it. And these are not easy and basic problems. I am aware this within my level of consciousness today. But it was very pity to my wonderfull wife to be too late to understand something now. She was the victim of mitakes of all of us. She had to lose her marriage and family and happiness once more. I love her very much very very much but I was so harmfull to her with my stupidness. I learn now from my step daughter's diary she suffered of love and attention, friendship and communication. And I did not understand her and help her. She was unhappy with the feeling to be ignored and isolated meanwhile I was feeling to be a stranger and so lonely in my own family. I thought and felt that my wife and my step daughter were allies against me like a front. I considered my step daughter would not want to communicate with me and refuse freindship and sharing something. I thought she was just making caprice. I wish she preferred to speak with me, negotiate her problems instead of just  to hate me. I frankly wanted and tried to love her. I did not have any reason to prefer not to love my step daughter. Years ago when I saw my step daguhter for the first time, I had hopes to be a real father and daughter. I was too optimistic perhaps ignoring our charecter differences but it certainly deserved to tolerate and try to understand her. Why should I have preferred not to love her from the begining since I had plans to live together? What could it be any possible benefit with a hostility with the person the most beloved of my most beloved? It would be no sence to start a life with an aim to live with a girl I would not love.

I wish I tried to speka with her. I wish my step daughter listened me, try to understand me. I wish we could see points of views of each other and not have lived these pains not only to each other but most importantly the real victims, my wife and my small daughter. In her diary my step daughter says I did not care her. Though I have always loved her, I did not care also my wife enough.

Poor my wonderful lovely wife, though such a big pressure on her from her daughter she resisted to leave me, to break up till the last moment, till I forced her by my crazy suggestion to send her daughter to Russia to the grandparents. She tried to save our marriage and stuggle for our possible happy future with great sacrificing. Even under so unfavorable conditions.

Because of this I adore her still. I can never replace her with somebody. I can never love any other woman after a perfect one.

To study in university is important but a life without father?..........

My wife left me and turned back to Russia with my daughter and step daughter 3 years ago. But we did not divorce till now. She has said she did not have time to do it with many procedures of Russian bureaucracy. It is not too cogent to say not to have enough time in 3 years but it is clear she has not loved me. Me vice versa have always loved her including now. She is the person deserves to be loved most I have ever seen.

Recently she declared that she has started a love affair with an English man and she will divorce from me soon. She says she loves him and may get marry with him and move to England to live together with all the kids. My wife has 2 kids from her first husband and from me and her English lover has one daughter. My wife says she has not decide to move to England to live with him yet, perhaps she may go or perhaps not. She says she has doubts if my step daughter can study in England or not. She afraids it may be iddicult for her to study in an English universtiy with her insufficient command of English. Perhaps because of this reason she will give up to move to him.

So my wife creates her and her kids' destinies depends on her senior daughter's education life and her capabilities. I asked her if she loves that English man or not and she replied me as this was a ridiculous question. If she loves him can she give up from him for my step daughter's education potential? Is it more important? In this case why does not she prefer a Russian man who she can establish a demostic life and provides her daughter an university education without a language problem? And it is even more shocking, my wife considers more priority and pays more attention to her senior daughter's education than her whole life. If she can give up from her new beloved English guy for this reason it means she manages her love life and her own destiny depends on her daughter. I dont criticize. But she just is not aware the fact of it is much more important for her daughters not to have a father, or not to have their real fathers and to live with lack of it than not to study in an university. My wife sacrifices for wrong objective. She tries to save her daughter's education with the price of her own love life but she did not do it years ago when she divorced from her father. If she can form her future and personal life in order to her daughter's university education, she had to do it by not to divorce from her husbands to save her kid's souls from demages of missing a father. Moreover she creates her both daughter's destiny depends on the education capability of one of them. I believe it s bad for my daughter to move to England and live there but sure my wife may think different. If to live in England, to be there is good for my daughter will she devest her from this for her sister to be able to study in her native language? My wife left the fathers of her daughters two times before, my step daughter was 4 years old when she lost her father and my daughter was 1,5 years old. Anybody may search and find out scientific articles and studies on the topic how it is bad and harmful for such small girls to lost fathers. I wish my wife was sensitive to the fact of negative effects of to be without fathers for her daughter as much as she is to university. If my wife can give up her love and private life, if she can give up happiness with a man for even education, she could put up a unhappy marriage for her daughters' lives and happinesses together with loved fathers.

I still wonder if my wife loves that guy though she says it is a ridiculous question. The answer contains much meaning. If can she give up from him for her daughter's education? And above all if did she do it before with me? If was it the rea reason for her to braek up with me? My step daughter studied in high school but a correspondent one. My wife studied her and twice a year she passed exams in Russia. She would face this problem also in Turkey. She would have a language problem for university education if she stayed in Turkey. If my wife prefer me or her university? If I would be left what ever  I would do? If even if id not make that suggesition to my wife to sned her to Russia to live with the grandma and grandpa.

My wife and my step daughter constantly tried to teach Russian to my then 1 y.o. daughter. It seemed to me strange to be in such a hurry to taech Russian to a baby would live in Turkey.

If I would be victim and even my wife herself in any case like that English guy now?

To choose the best of "bads".

What a harsh decision I am faced.

To have to choose the best among all bad options.

It is just the matter of to whom to harm among the people most loved and most important for me.

It is the most terrible decision and I can not avoid no more.

For long time I could postpone and even I had had hopes to be able to avoid from this situation.

For first time my benefits, requirements and necessities, my beloved wife's and daughter's conflict with each other.

What ever I will do it will be very bad for one of us in any case.

My wife says she will divorce from me and moved to England to live with her new English darling. She wants to bring our common 4,5 years old daughter.

I have a perfect daughter. She is shortly wonderful and I am glad of her everything. She loves me very much. And I love her very much. I have an opportunity to take her back from my wife and receive all the parental rights. There is a chance for me to be together at least with my daughter since it is impossible for my wife. But it s bad and rsky for my wife. It may put my wife in danger. How can I risk her?...... How I am unlucky, I am desperate even when I have a solution.

On the other hand oor my daughter how can I ignore her and leave fatherless?

Is not it betray to my daughter?

And do I have to lose always? Is it my destiny to lose in any case? Should I give up one more thing I love very much? Should I violate myself? If I have a chance to be together at least with one of my most loved persons should I waste it?

Ah my darling, what did you do to us?!?!........

She reminds me my daughter a bit.

I can not believe even they are better than us.

Is it really so, we can not achieve something even animals can do?

Advice of a friend.

A friend who knows all my story sent me an interesting story. I have told her everyting I lived, all bad things about my wife and daughter. It seems to me she just wanted to give me a hidden message, advice not to try to move forward and effort to access her no more for my wife but set her free and leave to peace if I really love her.

Her English is not good. I copy her exact letter without any editing. Excuse for some possible mistakes.

parable about a wind and a flower.

 The wind met a fine Flower and fell in love with him. The wind gently caressed the Flower, and the Flower answered it with big love which was expressed in color and aroma.
But it seemed to the Wind a little, and it solved: "If I give to the Flower all the power and force, it will begin to give me much more". And the Wind began to blow on the Flower with a huge power of the love. But the Flower didn't take out rough passion and was broken.
The wind tried to lift it and to make live, but couldn't. Then it ceased and began to breathe on the Flower gentle breath of love as right at the beginning, but the Flower died in the eyes.
The Wind cried then:
- I gave you all power of the love, and you broke! It is visible, there was no power of love in you to me, so, you didn't love me!
But the Flower answered nothing. He died.
The one who loves, has to remember, what not by force and passion measure Lyubov, but tenderness and a reverent attitude. Better ten times to restrain, than once to break.

Оксана Александрова.

Istanbul is the city of Tulips for a month.

Some city sights.

Unexpectedly good.

It should be a miracle.

Was it really a celebration?

I paid a visit to my daughter last month as I can do one or two times a year. It is declared and known so as I carry a title only "to be her father" for my wife and she claims I have no right nor reason about herself but in fact those visits are oppotunity for me to see also my wife even from a distance and as a stranger.

I arrived to Vladimir on 1. th of March. What a date....... The anniversary of our marriage.

I accomodated in my wife's parents' home. It was over to be an ordinary dinner. Not a banquet but not a modest usual dinner as well. We were all of the family together and it was like a unnamed celebration. Nobody talked about the anniversary but everybody on the table knew. I never think they might want to celebrate it as they consider it was the disaster of life of my wife.

I never know if it was mentioned a celebration or not.

I dont want to learn.

Let me imagine it was.

Maslenitsa with a 2 years delay.

Maslenitsa also known as Butter Week, Crepe week, orCheesefare Week), is an Eastern Slavic religious and folk holiday. It is celebrated during the last week before Great Lent—that is, the seventh week before Eastern Orthodox Pascha (Easter).

The most characteristic food of Maslenitsa is bliny (pancakes or crepes). Round and golden, they are made from the rich foods still allowed by the Orthodox tradition that week: butter, eggs and milk. During pagan times, the round and golden shape and color signified praise to the Sun because of pancakes' resemblance to it.

The last day of Cheesefare Week is called "Forgiveness Sunday", indicating the desire for God's forgiveness that lies at the heart of Great Lent.^[1] AtVespers on Sunday evening, all the people make a poklon (bow) before one another and ask forgiveness, and thus Great Lent begins in the spirit of reconciliation and Christian love. Another name for Forgiveness Sunday is "Cheesefare Sunday," because for devout Orthodox Christians, it is the last day on which dairy products may be consumed until Easter. Fish, wine and olive oil will also be forbidden on most days of Great Lent. The day following Cheesefare Sunday is called Clean Monday, because everyone has confessed their sins, asked forgiveness, and begun Great Lent with a clean slate.

http://wikitravel.org/en/Suzdal

Early spring in 2012 we were sitting next to each other in a train from Moscow to Vladimir with my wife. It was a wonderfull day. She was reading a magazine and saw an announcement about Maslenitsa activities in Suzdal. She explained Maslenitsa to me and talked about that "forgiveness". I asked her if I could try my chance. She surprisingly replied "of course everybody could try his chance". She said there would be some events like a festival in that wonderfull historical village and suggested to go with children. It was a great idea and like a miracle for me, too good and surprising to be offered from her to do something together. I can not explain how much I wanted it. But the next day it hapened somethng bad again and after that confliction she gave up from the idea. Since then I have kept that dream to realize that excursion and her acceptance.

Finally I could find the opportunity this year. I asked for permission for a visit and I synchronized the date to Maslenitsa. My wife accepted to be together in Maslenitsa forgiveness sunday but not to go to Suzdal. She said it is not a good idea to visit there with kids. She went last year's Maslenitsa and it was difficult and tiring there with kids. She said she decided not to go to Suzal with kids no more. Whereas she visited there after last Maslenitsa, just at the new year holiday. Even there photos of that visit in her blog but I think she just forgat about them for a moment. I think basically she just did not want to go there with me. Anyway it s bothersome for me.

However I could find an opportunity to apologize from my wife and all the family members during the celebration while eating Bliney at home. She said she accepted my apologize. But nothing changed. She has still continued to hate me. She continues to aviod any communication, any contact and our relation is still very bad though her acceptance.

Let somebody correct me please if I am mistaken but to forgive something, is not it to forget all the bad things with all consequences? Does not it require to change your attitude? If you accept to forget somebody's sins dont they become irrelevant all the punishments, your countermeasures, your reactions and basivally all the resuts? Dont we hope it to happen so when we wish to be forgiven by the God?

I have several reasons.

You asked me a question on phone that day while we were discussing on your plans to move abroad that "what is the difference for you if our daughter lives in Russia or an other country"?

Actually I can live with you anywhere in the world. I would come with you anywhere you want if you allowed me, if we could be together. But you strongly refuse this. I just have an opportunity to live in the same country and city with you but seperately to be able to meet with my daughtyer more often and to be able to see you even from a distance. So I have to move you to that country you will live.

But there are several problems for me at it.

1. I love Russia and it is pleasure for me to be there though its all difficulties, defects and problems. But probably you plan to a western country I never like.

2. It is relatively easier for me to find a way to earn money and to establish a life in Russia due to good commercial relations and opportunities between Turkey and Russia.

3. WE are still married and I can stay in Russia by this marriage as a foreigner but how can I stay in that country?

4. Now I can visit you a few times a year and I can accommodate in your mom's home for a few days and meanwhile I can be with my daughter, I can spend time together, palying games together indoor even in winter cold wheather. But I dont think you can give me permission to accommodate in your home. Especially if you plan to move to an other country because of a possible mariage it is totally impossible for me. Besides it is a real disaster for me to learn this and nevertheless to witness personally.

5. I dont want my daughter to be brought up in the western culture.

Let the west back out of Russia.

My wife started to address me as "my darling" in some her e mails or SMSs. To gibe with me. She did not do it when we were really darling. As a joke it was impossible her to use this worthy word to a stranger. And also it is because of she respected everybody, she was serious, chilly and attentive to be avioded to make such jokes. She is real, honest and clear to everybody whether she loves or not.

Even one time she wrote that "you fucked my love to you." She never used that word in our good days. Even when we did it she always used "to make love". She even got angry to me if I used such a word. She was too polite to talk dirty things.

She writes "u" as "you" and "r" as "are" now. As youth of popular banal culture do it in cyber. She placed value everything, took seriously and she had respect to everything in past, even words and letters. After we broke up she have had many new friends from internet. She started to spend time with those men for many hours in Skype, her blog, Youtube, Facebook etc every day. They spread their ugly habits, bad style. My wife has her original pure, clean, innocent and conservative style. Russian and oriental. Real, honest and decent. Indications of western impudent, pert and foolish culture never suits her.

Those men are threat not only to me but also for her but just she is not aware of this yet.

I am very glad with western sanctions to Russia over Crimea crisis.

Thanks to Scorpions.

It s a case does not require any words for me by their masterpiece with the lyrics fit me perfectly.

There should be somebody else in the same situation as I did not write the song.

It is dedicated to me my everything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcsxRGjbqiI

Can steel have a chance against ice?

When a woman gets offended once, she loses her love for you, nothing can change this. It is certain and permanent. You can never repair her love. Whatever you do, even if you are better then you were when she fell in love with youonce upon times, even f you treat her better now she never turns back to you. She never gives you once more chance-or to herself.-

But look at men, not only me but all during the history. It is so easy propitiate them back after any faulty of a beloved woman. Even if a woman left him, she may tun back to him and restart the affair in most cases. Her chance to be forgiven is much more by the former lover. Not because of men's impudence. Women call this difference as womanly pride but the genius Freud explains uch cases with the difference of self confidence. Men's loves can be repaired easily like a car made of metal.

I think women's love is made of ice meanwhile unlikely men's which made of steel. There are too many examples of sacrifices of men for women. We utilize the marvelous masterpieces of loving composers, artists, poets. Loving emperors, kings, politicians or businessmen have given up from their everything and took great risks for their beloveds. Countless men could not forget their great loves during the history and devoted their whole lifes to those women. But is there any example, music, novel, poem or game created for a man by a woman? So I think we can say men's loves are more solid, reliable and doughty. But is it stronger? We got the answer by Titanic incident.

After a crash women's love get pieces and then melt into the ocean. It becomes water again to be formed ice once more later for somebody else. But man's love remains as an useless wreck to him to occupy his heart forever.

My St. Valentine day.

Dont misunderstand the picture, I am not a suicide bomber but there is a pintle pulled hand grenade in me.

I had a post about my serious health problems before at http://destructiondiary.blogspot.com.tr/2013/12/heart-breaking-but-in-most-real-form.html and it gets worse.

These wires and the device is a ritm holter. A kind of portable ECG recorder monitors the pulses and cardiac parameters.

It had been on me for 24 hours from 13.th February to 14.th February. According to the report summarizes the analyses in 24 hours, my heart had interrupted several times. They call it as "pauses" in medical science. It stopped for longer than 3 seconds and then started to work again itself.

By the evening I had to go to hospital again yesterday and could leave the hospital 02:00

It was my celebration program for the day of lovers.

1 million for one.

My wife sets me free. She says I may do what ever I want with any woman.

So I may have chance for millions of women by loosing only one.

But what about the fundamental question?  Quantity or quality?

Any of millions can not make me forget my beloved wife.

She does not know you can not replace a 1 ton rock with 1000 tons of sand.

Unexpected test to compare.

An old friend visited just before the new year. She decided to spend her Christmas holiday in Istanbul. Natalya is a 40 y.o. Russian brunette from Stavropol. With very beautiful long black hair and impressive real blue eyes. She is a woman every man would like and want. I know her from 2005. We got acquainted in internet and attempted to try for a love affair. She came to Istanbul for a few days and we met in real life but then it did not work and we broke up. I had not kept in contact with her since then and I did not store her contact information. But she did not delete my mobile number and e mail address and called me 2 months ago to inform she would visit Istanbul and asked for help for shopping. She came with a friend named Inna. She is also very beautiful, green eyed blonde. NAtalya is a lawyer and Inna is a dentist. I spent whole day with these 2 very beautiful ladies in shopping malls. It was proudy in public but beautiness is not everything.

They both have boy friends but left the men in Russia and came to Istanbul to spend Christmas holiday and to enter the new year. It s very normal and usual in Russia and probably they did not make anything with any man here. So I dont think they cheated their men but it is still strange and wrong for me. They should considered and hoped to spend good time, to enter a new year happier without the lovers to come here. It seems to me strange and wrong because I consider to be with your beloved is better than any other conditions one would preffer to be together with the BELOVED in any conditions with every possibility. Or perhaps they dont love their men but in these case why and what for they are together with those men in a love affair without love? And the men should be glad to O.K. this plan. I think Russian men dont value their women so much and the women think it is freedom and independence. The ladies have been used to this system and glad with it. Foreign men appeal them as different type men not ignoring them but attending as something new and unusual but then it seems difficult and boring to be fixed to a person with strong ties in a deep and passionate real relation and to share a common destiny with.

Willy nilly I compared them with my wonderful beloved. And I confirmed my rightfulness to love my wife still. Not only about this issue but I observed all their speaking, behaviours, and reactions in general. I observed their style and compared with my wife as overall.

Once more I realised there is no counterpart to my wife and she is unique and almost perfect.

Happy birthday.

My beloved you have become 35 today.

So yo are at the half on the way. The time one must think twice before an act. But I trust you, you are so good, clever and you have a very good character. You will probably continue to do the correct always.

I have given up to try to prove I was right, to try to overcome of your claims and negative opinions about me. Now I enjoy the pleasant of communicating with you though in very limited time and form when I can and I enjoy the pleasant of watching you from a distance. I dont struggle for anything but just appraciate you, observe you and love you like you are a masterpiece artcraft.

You gave me enough chance, I played and lost. And I can not complain now.

You were right almost everything.

After now I do the only possible and correct thing. I love you silently and secretly.

Once more I wish the best for you my Cheburashka.